written on April 2018.
I don’t know why you still run through my mind as much as you do. I would love to tell myself that it only happens in fleeting moments, or in times when my mind is idle, but I was raised on honesty, and that would make me a liar. You run through my mind at 2 in the afternoon just as much as you did at 2am when I was laying in your arms. Just as much as you did on Saturday mornings.. Just as much as you did when you cuddled me at night on November when it is cold outside, all night, when our chests pressed into each other. Just as much as you did the very first morning when you woke up in my bed; unfamiliar yet so familiar at the same time, the kisses down my back felt as light as I did when I first woke up… free, unrestricted.
If I knew that back kisses would turn to a bittersweet ending, I almost think I would have called you an Uber myself in the middle of the night instead of invited you crash over and saved myself the heart ache.
the think is you mistaken, the need of your warm with the need of you... you put your own cage around you and blame me for feelings uneasy. when i told you i don't need anything elses, just you, i meant it.
You were my second heartbreak, a pain that I would never wish on someone once, much less twice. I know there are people who have lived through much more and I find myself questioning the source of their strength. I have almost been driven to the point of never wanting to love someone more than they love me again. To never settle for convenience and ease again. Even when it feels like the best convenience and ease in the whole entire world
They say that you have to be careful with matters of the heart – because the depth of your love today is the depth of your wound tomorrow.
But in the midst of the pain, I also think about December. the christmas light, the puppy doll... and then I think about today. I think about right now. I would love to say that I think about you less, but I don’t… I just think about you differently.
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