may 2018
There’s a stabbing feeling in my chest that forces me to wake up at three in the morning. This isn’t a dream nor a nightmare I’m waking up from; This right here, is a relapse.
I slid my hand underneath the pillow looking for my phone, afraid and anticipating someone did remember to say goodnight or at least a very early good morning text. But there’s always a part of me that wants to see one name and one name only to appear… and that’s yours.
No one did.
I wish you did,
But you probably shouldn’t.
I lie down again to what feels like a wide-awake eternity of the devil’s hour as a thousand of things fill my head to the brim. I find myself helpless by the mere thought of you and wonder if you’re out there thinking of me about me too.
I don’t want to know the answer to that. I’d rather force myself to sleep than go back and forth searching for answers that I’m not even ready for.
All the memories came rushing back, a combination of feelings that I thought that are long gone or at least should’ve subsided by now. There is no fix for this. Sleep can’t save me now.
One by one, the series of 3 AM wind backward from the very beginning…
It’s 3 AM.
i remember after the first date, we were to caught out to our conversation and we lose track of time, we talked about movies, and i can not stop talking... we listen to the song, that famous song, that you never heard before... we laugh about that funny drunk guy, and then we walked to the South, there is no more tram and we passed that famouse sign, you help me climb it, to the first letter of your first name. there is no one, its a silent, just a winter bliss, and us.
It’s 3 AM.
Do you remember? We’d stay up all night exchanging stories in the hotel room on november and discussing about the most trivial of things.. there is a series of questions cards you brought from your work, and we answer all the questions. It was in those moments that I found your voice to be the most comforting sound in the world. But now, even the slightest “Hello” from you… hurts me to my very core. because it was just inside my head, echoing.
It’s 3 AM.
it's 3 AM, the end of March... I am terrified. I’m not sure if you can tell but I could definitely feel that death was coming for us. the snow has melt down, but your heart turn cold... It was something I’ve known but never had the courage to tell you. Down to the very end, I still fought for us. I still chose you. But it was too late to save anything from what’s left. You were convinced, we had no chance to survive. And although there was still love in you, I kind of knew it was no longer meant for me.
It’s 3 AM.
The flashback ends here.
Darkness fleeted slowly.
It’s not the demons that come to life that scares me, but the ghost of you that still haunt me today.
If you’re out there, please spare me...
Tidak ada komentar:
Posting Komentar