BREAKING MY JOURNAL part 5: I No Longer Exist To You

april 2018

I can’t stand the fact that I no longer seem to exist to you. I used to be one of the person that made you laugh, made you smile, made your face light up like a Christmas Tree on December Christmas Market in Köln.

I have an overwhelming hope that one day you might come back to me, I have a hope that you miss me as I miss you. I look for signs in your face, in the way you greet me, with smiles, without the anger anymore, in the way you don’t look at me.

I don’t want to miss you any longer. I just want to be free of the ghost of you, lingering in my thoughts, the memory of your hand in mine, your lips against my skin.

More than that, I miss my best friend.

I remember thinking way in the beginning, before any of this, that I don’t want to develop feelings for you, i swear i dont want to.. because I had finally found a friend that just accepted me for me.

We all know how that turned out.

It was months and months of back and forth, over and under, topsy-turvy, bittersweet love.

The idea of talking to you just being a reach away when I wanted to cause harm was enough to ease the ache.In the darkness, you became a spark of light, a beacon of hope, unknowingly you became my lighthouse when I was drifting at sea.

but now, you are the darkness..

and for all the sake of all the love and pain. i forgive you..

Maybe you’re wondering how I was able to forgive you so easily.

Maybe you don’t actually care.

It wasn’t easy. It was quite the opposite.

I will be the first to freely admit to you that I hated you with every fiber in my being. I wanted to destroy your life, I wanted to rip your hope away like you did mine. I wanted to break your heart into so many smithereens that it could never be put back together again.

I chose forgiveness for the mere fact that you had saved my life, more than once. and you never did once put me on the bullshit lie, it is not your totall fault, dispite from all your mixes signal. i am the one who choose to stay.

I’m sorry I didn’t walk away in the beginning. By my doing that, I would’ve saved a lot of people from a lot of pain.

But I don’t think it was possible. You and I were obsessed, addicted and besotted with each other from the first time we started talking more.

I had all and then most of you, some and now none of you.

I don’t know what I’m supposed to do, haunted by the ghost of you.

A song I listen to when it hurts the most.

Lives go on, everything is spinning around me except for you. You stand still in my vision, you are all I see and all I want to see.

I am not what you want to see.

I am just a nobody to you now.

I no longer exist to you.

a stranger.