BREAKING MY JOURNAL part 9: Maybe, closure means knowing that it’s time to move on

There was always a piece of me that assumed you would come back. I didn’t think our story had come to an end. Not officially.

when we stopped talking, I thought you were going to leave for a little while and then come bursting back into my world. I have been waiting for your return. I expected us to pick up right where we left off.

But that hasn’t happened yet.

I’m not going to pretend I have no idea where you have gone. i have this idea on my head that you already with someone new. I know you are not coming back this time.

I probably shouldn’t be surprised that you are finished with me, but I am having trouble dealing with the news. 

I’m not sure how I am supposed to get closure. It’s not like I can text you and confront you about how you led me on. We haven’t even spoken in ages.

Besides, there is no reason for you to apologize to me. You didn’t owe me anything. You never claimed you were coming back. I just assumed you were going to return.

I assumed you weren’t ready for a serious relationship yet and that’s why we kept going back and forth, coming close to dating and then pulling apart again. I assumed if you ever settled down, it would be with me... because i feel so much intense feelings with you that i never had before and i doubt i will ever again.

I never considered that you were ready for a relationship all along, but you just didn’t want one with me. I never would have guessed that our feelings were mismatched. It seemed like you were as crazy about me as I was about you, but I must have read your signals wrong.

I feel foolish for dedicating so much time to you. Even when you were gone, you were the only thought filling my head. I turned other people down because I thought I had a chance with you. I stayed single because I wanted to be available when you walked back into my world.

That was my mistake. I shouldn’t have assumed you were interested in me. A long time ago, I should have decided I deserved better — because if you left me behind once before, then you would always be ready to do it again. 

It sucks to know you are never coming back, but it beats waiting for a day that is never going to arrive. It’s better than sitting here, staring at my phone and assuming it’s going to flash with your name.

Maybe, for me, closure means knowing that it’s time to move on, knowing that there is no sense in waiting anymore.