Black Swan Diaries...I am in love with the idea of falling in love.

Maybe I look past red flags when they are waving directly in front of my face because I am in love with the idea of falling in love. Maybe I distribute second chances like candy because I’m terrified of being left alone again. Maybe I put other people on pedestals because it’s easier to love another than to learn how to love myself.

Maybe I have been settling for the wrong people because I have been overeager to enter a relationship. Maybe I call myself confident but have a lower self-worth than I would ever admit. Maybe I cling onto people who are toxic because the thought of anyone having feelings for me is exciting enough to convince me to want them.

Maybe I need to raise my standards considering I call it cute when someone texts me first or likes one of my photos online, because to me, the minimum amount of effort feels like the maximum amount. Maybe I should hold out for someone who goes the extra mile by planning dates a week prior and surprising me with my favorite ice coffee when he stops over for a few hours instead of settling for the first person who offers a smile.

Maybe I have been chasing after the wrong people because I was under the impression that love is supposed to be difficult, that modern dating and mixed signals were meant to go hand-in-hand. Maybe I have a twisted view of what it means to be someone’s girlfriend because I have grown accustomed to being a backup plan, an almost, a not-enough. Maybe my expectations are much lower than they should be because I have a history of pursuing toxic people and have never been treated with the kindness I deserve.

Maybe I have had my heart broken so many times because I refused to see situations clearly. Maybe I have pretended relationships were better than the reality because I wanted to feel loved, because I wanted to feel accomplished, because I wanted to feel like I had found my person and could stop looking. Maybe I forced myself to love certain people instead of falling in love naturally.

Maybe I should be more careful about who I allow into my world to avoid getting led on once more. Maybe I should listen to what my head is saying instead of ignoring it and blindly following my heart. Maybe I should reevaluate what I want from a relationship because I have clearly been searching for the wrong things lately. Maybe I should take a step back and give myself the chance to breathe before jumping headfirst into a new love story.

Maybe I am not picky enough and that is the reason why I keep getting my heart shredded. Maybe I should remain guarded until I find someone who actually wants to see me with my walls down. Maybe I should hold off on dating for a while. Maybe, in this moment, the only person I need is myself.