Because I’m someone who loves with all my heart, I’ve had my share of devastating breakups. Every love I’ve had felt like it was going to be the last one I’d ever need until suddenly it wasn’t. I used to want love, but after all of the pain I’ve suffered and the disappointments I’ve endured, I just don’t want love anymore. Here’s why:
1. THE PAST PAIN HAS STILL OUTWEIGHED THE HAPPINESS.
After it was all said and done, the memories and feelings that always stuck with me the most were the bad ones. Maybe that’s an internal issue, which is highly likely, but if I can do something to avoid adding to that sea of bad feelings, I will.
2. I LOVED WAY TOO HARD. And TOO MUCH.
When I fall, I fall hard. The problem is, most of the people I’ve fallen for weren’t able to catch someone coming in at lightning speed so I always ended up crashing to the ground. I loved with everything I had and when it wasn’t or couldn’t be reciprocated, I have crushed all over again.
As the matter of Too Much. When I love I focused only to one person and its like a bank account that you have and you already spend all your money to bad Investment, there is no way you can invest in anything else anymore without time for collecting and saving new money.
3. I’M TERRIFIED OF BEING SCREWED OVER AGAIN. EVEN IF THE PAST BACK, I AM NOT SURE I WANT TO LABEL ANYTHING.
Love is scary, there’s no way around that. Some will argue that it’s worth facing your fears for, but after several failed loves, I’m not quite sure it is anymore.
married and divorced 🐍, check,
engage with a narcissistic dragon 🐉, check,
married and get left for a guy 🐽, check,
trap on mixes signals, and left out of the cold 🌖.. check...
after all that, it’s going to take one unicorn of a guy to have me face those fears again. Even when the person that I hold and love dearly to my heart, coming back and having a change of heart, I probably will back off. Sure I will bounce back to his arms in no time because he was so great doing certain things and reading me like no one else, but to wanted to be in a label, I don't think so. Too risky... I just don't want to lose it all over again.
4. I HAVE THE WORST TASTE.
The guys I choose to love always end up being terrible for me. This is my own fault for choosing the wrong partners, but it’s hard to tell who a person truly is and what qualities they have when your perception is based on first impressions (and when so many guys present themselves as someone they’re not).
5. LOVE ISN’T SUPPOSED TO BE HARD, BUT IT ALWAYS ENDS UP THAT WAY.
It’s really supposed to be the easiest emotion to feel and the most exhilarating, yet whenever I fall in love, it ends up being the hardest thing in the world. I’m pretty much done with fighting that losing battle. I JUST WANT TO BE CHILL. Take it easy. Taking time. Without Rush into anything that will cuff my heart. It’s just too heavy.
6. I’M NOT SURE BEING IN LOVE IS WORTH THE HEARTBREAK.
Love is great and all, but the pain of losing it is far worse. It’s not better to have loved and lost at all — especially not when it happens over and over again. It’s better to have never loved at all. Anyway, nowadays, you can get pretty much anything you want from Relationships without really being in Relationship. In that cases, you have no demands and no expectations. Everything will be simple and nice.
7. AFTER EVERY HEARTBREAK, THE PAIN OF ALL MY BREAKUPS COMES FLOODING BACK.
When my heart breaks again, it’s as if all the heartbreak I’ve ever experienced comes crashing down at once. It doesn’t make sense, but it’s how I was apparently wired and the more it happens, the more hurt I become.
Last time was worst, was Double whammy, and after all, that happen I was just thinking “fuck this” and I am okay just to Netflix and Chill.
8. BEING ALONE IS EASIER THEN BEING LONELY IN RELATIONSHIP, and being LONELY IS EASIER THAN BEING HEARTBROKEN.
Sure, having someone to share my life with would be cool and all, but the longer I stay out of love, the less lonely I feel and the more I heal. I’ll take an occasional bout of loneliness over months of crying at rom-coms and downing chocolate ice cream any day.
It’s not that I avoiding love on purpose. I tried. I just can't anymore. At least not now.
I feel like I LOVE my freedom so much. When I realize there will be no “forces good morning and goodnight” texts, I can do whatever without someone telling what to do or thinking that I would disappoint someone. I have no burden.
9. I DON’T WANT TO GROW COLD.
My heart still works and I’d like to keep it that way. I don’t want to end up some bitter old hag that hates everything and everyone because some jackass broke her to the point of no return. So I think now, what I need is Healing. Not LABELING.
10. I FEEL LOVE BUT I AM NOT IN LOVE.
As I said. My heart still works and I’d like to keep it that way. I try to Open up and try to be happy again. But in deep rotten of my heart, I feel guilty for being Happier when I am alone, then with someone that devoted to me. Even tho I swear this is the best guy I ever date, I still feel something is missing. And with this feeling, I don't think I am supposed to be with relationships with anyone. At least not Right now.
What's the point of being in a relationship if it's not helping you enjoy life? Chance is You may stay out of loyalty or love for your partner, but breaking up doesn't negate those things; it just changes the type of loyalty or love you have. I've learned after several relationships ended that transitioning to friends or acquaintances actually helped us love each other because we weren't always arguing or trying to make each other something we're not. Don't feel like you have to force something into a predetermined formula to justify its existence. Dating may have been best for you a year ago, but something else may be best for you now. There's no shame or failure in that, and it doesn't make your connection less special.
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