I AM INDEPENDENT WOMAN. BUT, I HATE BEING ALONE.

I consider myself an independent woman because I make my own money. I buy my own groceries. I wash my own clothes. I take care of the basics.

I am a responsible twenty-something who doesn’t need anyone’s help. I can take care of myself.

That’s why I feel like a complete hypocrite when I admit that I hate being alone.

I’m not talking about brief bursts of solitude. I like working alone. I like having peace and quiet as I’m reading a book. I like my alone time after a long day.

But I don’t want to be alone too much. I don’t want to be alone all of the time. 

Being surrounded by a large group of people zaps my energy since I consider myself to category of "people who hate people", but being around one person who makes me feel at home sounds like heaven.

I just want one person who will make me feel safe when I’m wrapped in their arms. One person who will motivate me to try again when I feel like giving up. One person who will make me laugh during the darkest days of my life.

Even though I’m an independent woman who doesn’t need a relationship to feel fulfilled, the truth is that I don’t want to fall asleep alone. I want someone beside me, holding me tight, comforting me when I jolt awake from nightmares. and better, someone who stop my nightmares at all.. somone who when i woke up in the night, almost everynight, and see him next to me, then i easily back to sleep.

I don’t want to eat alone every single morning. I want someone sitting at the other side of the table, talking to me about how work went yesterday and how delicious the food tastes. making me the bread with a lot of salty butter. I want someone to fill the silence so I don’t go crazy listening to my own thoughts.

Even though I can technically take care of myself, I secretly don’t want to live alone. I want someone to greet me when I walk through the door, someone to watch TV alongside, someone who will listen when I babble about my stressful day. someone who geniuly asked How was my day. since no one ever really care and done that.

I hate being alone because it gives me too much time to think. My brain goes into overdrive, stressing about things that haven’t even happened yet. The more time I have to myself, the more time I have to overanalyze.

I hate being alone because it makes me wonder whether it’s always going to be this way. Whether I am destined to stay single. Whether I am ultimately unlovable.

Even though I consider myself an independent woman, there is a part of me that is dying for companionship. I want someone who is there for me no matter what happens that day. Someone who will make sure my nights are never lonely. someone to talk to and makes my thought are bareable. Someone who will give me space when I need it, but will cuddle me when I’m feeling affectionate.

I know that I don’t need a relationship to survive, but I’m not embarrassed to admit that’s what I want. I’m not afraid to say I secretly hate being alone.