When You Lose Someone Special

We are never ready to set free someone who once made our lives better, or who once made us better We are never truly ready to say goodbye to someone who we thought we still had forever with. We are never ready to part ways with someone we are still in love with, despite how much pain this love has caused us. We are never prepared for death, as we are never prepared to say goodbye to someone for good or to understand the permanence or finality of this goodbye. We are never fully ready to lose our best friend, the one who we thought loved us unconditionally and who we thought would love us forever. We are never really prepared for endings, or for the heartache or grief that follows.

I guess whenever love is involved, we are never really ready to say goodbye.

Because we aren’t ready to wake up in the morning and feel the pang in our chest when we remember that they are no longer in our life. We are never ready to walk the world without them, without their support or their love pushing forward. We are never ready to not be able to casually say their name in a sentence like they can still be talked about in the present tense when really, they are now in the past. We are never ready to face the truth that we can’t call them anymore when we need them, or that we can’t leave a rambling voicemail when we just need to be heard by someone. We are never ready to lose all the love they had for us, especially when we haven’t lost the love we have for them. We are never ready to lose their hug or their warm, comforting hand around ours, or the way they always could reassure us that everything would be okay.

We aren’t ready to be alone.

And as soon as they go, all we can think about is the huge hole they left behind, right in the middle of our hearts. All we can feel is the ache that won’t go away, no matter what we do or no matter how hard we try to comfort ourselves. All we can think about is all of the dreams that we had that are no longer going to happen, at least not with them by our side. All we can think about is how scared we are to take on the world alone, and how deeply sad we feel by their absence.

All we can think about is what we are missing.

But the truth is, we aren’t defined by our losses. We aren’t defined by who left us or who we lost. We aren’t defined by the reasons someone had for leaving us, or by the reasons we never heard. We aren’t defined by the grief we carry with us, long after our person leaves us. We aren’t defined by the numbness we feel, or the tears we cry, long after they are gone. We aren’t defined by the sadness or the heartbreak, and we can’t let our heartaches rule our lives forever. We aren’t defined by our losses.

We can carry our losses with us, we can hold space for the memories of the special relationship we once had. But we can’t let ourselves be defined by our grief. We can’t let ourselves be defined by our heartbreaks. We can miss them, but we can’t lose ourselves when we lose them. We can miss them, but we can’t let our lives be over once they are gone. Because we still have our lives to live. We still have mountains to move and tides to turn. We still have others to love. And we still have so much love to give.

We aren’t defined by our losses. But we are defined by how we choose to continue to live after they are gone. We are defined by how we let their loss impact us, how we let it shape us. What defines us is how we make the world a more beautiful place not in spite of, but because of our losses. What defines us is how we piece back together our broken parts, and turn them into something greater than what we had before.

We loved, and we lost. And our hearts are bigger for it. We’ve lost a piece of ourselves. We’ve lost a world. But we haven’t lost the whole world. And while the sadness and the heartache will consume us for a while, we still have our lives to live. We still have our hearts to share. And we still have such a capacity for love. And while our hearts ache, and while we are consumed by missing them, we can’t let this loss break us. We can’t let it stop us from loving. Because maybe, just maybe, one day we will see that they taught us just how much love we could give. They taught us how strong our hearts could be.

NO MORE MRS. NICE

I am tired of letting others take advantage of my kindness. I am sick of getting my heart broken. I am done giving people the benefit of the doubt. I want to be the heartbreaker for a change.

Instead of giving out second and third chances to people who have already hurt me, I am going to walk away from them before they have the chance to hurt me again.

I am going to detach myself. I am going to stop keeping people around because we have history. I am going to start caring more about my own happiness than the comfort of the toxic people surrounding me.

If I am better off without someone in my world, then they will be removed without any guilt.

I am not going to feel guilty about expecting to be treated with respect.

I am not going to feel guilty about raising my standards after a lifetime of leaving them low.

I am not going to censor myself anymore. I am not going to be nice when I will only get kicked around in return. If someone wants respect from me, then they better give me respect.

I am no longer interested in one-sided relationships. I am not going to be there for you if you are never there for me. I am not going to accept your apologies if there is no meaning behind them. I am not going to expose myself to drama when I could choose to walk away.

You can call me a bitch for finally putting myself first. You can accuse me of overreacting. You can act like I am betraying some code of loyalty by walking away.

You can tell me I should have more faith in people — but I have spent my entire life trusting others. Assuming they are good deep down. And it has gotten me nowhere.

Second chances lead to a repeat in history. Blind trust leads to heartbreak.

I have been nice to people who have treated me like shit. I have given the benefit of the doubt to people who have proven they cannot be relied upon. I have let people remain inside of my world because I loved them, because my heart and my mind couldn’t agree on whether they were worth my time.

in my whole life. i like and care of few people, but i only ever really loved 2 of them. dragon and moon. and both lead me to the worst heartbreaking point because i give them to much, i settle for less and let my heart control all my judgment and makes me see what i want to see, not reality. today, this day, i make amends! WILL NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN!

Now, I am going to stop listening to my heart because it has screwed me over one too many times. I am going to listen to my gut. I am going to listen to my common sense.

If you give me your kindness and respect, I will still be the nice girl around you. But if you cross me, I am not going to play nice anymore. I am not going to sit in silence while you talk down to me. I am going to fight back. I am going to put you in your place.

Worst of all, I am going to walk away. You will never see my face again. You will never make an apology strong enough to bring me back.

This is new and improved me.. and after years of years of my life. i will not write about how sad i am, but how strong i could be.

Someone You Loved Song by Lewis Capaldi

I'm going under and this time I fear there's no one to save me
This all or nothing really got a way of driving me crazy
I need somebody to heal

Somebody to know
Somebody to have
Somebody to hold
It's easy to say
But it's never the same
I guess I kinda liked the way you numbed all the pain

Now the day bleeds
Into nightfall
And you're not here
To get me through it all
I let my guard down
And then you pulled the rug
I was getting kinda used to being someone you loved

I'm going under and this time I fear there's no one to turn to
This all or nothing way of loving got me sleeping without you
Now, I need somebody to know
Somebody to heal
Somebody to have
Just to know how it feels
It's easy to say but it's never the same
I guess I kinda liked the way you helped me escape

Now the day bleeds
Into nightfall
And you're not here
To get me through it all
I let my guard down
And then you pulled the rug
I was getting kinda used to being someone you loved

And I tend to close my eyes when it hurts sometimes
I fall into your arms
I'll be safe in your sound 'til I come back around

For now the day bleeds
Into nightfall
And you're not here
To get me through it all
I let my guard down
And then you pulled the rug
I was getting kinda used to being someone you loved

But now the day bleeds
Into nightfall
And you're not here
To get me through it all
I let my guard down
And then you pulled the rug
I was getting kinda used to being someone you loved

I let my guard down
And then you pulled the rug
I was getting kinda used to being someone you loved

4 in the morning.

We were both immature when we first met.

You were too empty and I was too broken.

We were blindly compromised the real us to keep each other impress.

The foundation was based on lies and when the truth came out we were shocked. The situation wasn't hard, We both did. 

Instead of accepting and trying to fix ourselves, We try to fix the other to come back as we expected from the start. 

All the expectations and hope was Silent killer.

The surprise feeling of what we expect to be and the reality that we can't tell the difference  between. We forgot to what's most important stuff. To literally have fun. The love is fun, We both fun. 

Looking back it's wasn't all bad. It wasn't all misery 

We were both to focus on each other’s flaws and forgot to cherish the shines, we don’t remember what makes both of us fall in love at the first place.

The good thing become routine. And we were stop trying. 

That is why it was so easy for other to scoop in because we don't see any value on each other anymore. And maybe all the love is not gone, We were just forgot.
Maybe we could try to Remember...

So when you are ready, come and find me. 

I will be ready too.

I am learning about my self now. so by that time I will be whole. 

and you are you. and I wouldn't want to changes that.

Let's meet again for the first time. no promises. 

Only this time, we knew each other's soul and kindness, and we can start from that.

Finally, I am in love with MY SELF

I am happy on my own. I now have the kind of happiness that can’t be lost with heartbreak. I have the kind of happiness that doesn’t disappear in the blink of an eye when someone lets me down or gives up on me. I have my heart to be completely full even when it is not intertwined with another heart.

i found it. i learned

the lesson is painful but necessary.

I can finally say I don’t depend on anyone else to bring me life, or to ignite the spark within me. I  see the world in beautiful colors, sparkling and lit up, even when I am all alone. I have the courage to see the world with rose-colored glasses, even when no one is in love with me, even when no one sees me as their brightest star in the sky. Because I am still an iridescent star. I still have my whole world to be happy about. To shine for. I SEE ME.

After Rejection and Rejection. I no longer Reject my self.

Two Lesson is Enough to help me find the balance between two.

I was careless and traumatize, i was so done with a narcissistic relationship, so when i start a new one and think i dont have to fight for love because i got him, he wasn't going anywhere. so i put no effort, and i was wrong.

and i found someone who kind, and healing, this time i approach love differently, i put the relationship as the most important aspect of my life. i dont want to lose no more, i quit the fulltime job, i am focus to make this one work. i forgot to give the air.  and again i am wrong.

Thinking back, i am causing my self too much suffering from losing, too much suffering from finding someone and something who can fulfill me.

when you find fulfillment from a person, it was vague, it was temporary. you can replace them, and they can easily replace YOU with Someone New, someone Fun. people stop fighting.

when you find fulfillment within yourself, you will not need another person to make you feel whole. you dont need them, you WANT them. and that is different. 

My alter who always overthinking, understand that now, and now its time to step back and knowing my own worth.

and when i found my true worth, i found my true self again.

I go having fun and reconnect with old friends, I dive my self into creative and even come back to my old job without overwork my self.

i found my balance.

my next relationship won't be the relationship i need, but i WANT. 

the kind of relationship that i dont have to work 100 percent because i know that the other person will work another percentage with me in their own way. not in my way.

I find closure with my old self and my past.

i realize it was so hard to love my self because i never really forgive my self and the past. 

i forgive all of them who hurt me. Most importantly, i Forgive me

i used to blame and surrender to my GAD and Anxiety and making excuses for me. i dont say that i have to be strong 100 percent, sometimes it is okay to not be okay. but lately, i am become lazy to try. put everything that goes wrong into a box and blamed my depression. 

I can't tell the difference between Grief and Self Pityness 

from now on, my skies might not always blue, and my Sun will not always shine, but i won't be a pitty, when i am sad i will grief but not making excuses and try to fix something that is not broken just to kept my head busy.

And when I lose someone I love, I don’t want my world to fall apart. I don’t want my everything to come crashing down on me as if they were all I had, as if they were all I lived for. I want to be sad, I want to feel things, but I want to know that I will be okay. I want to know that I will not reside in darkness or loneliness. I want to ensure that I will not forget who I am.

Don’t get me wrong. I want to be in love again one day. But not at the sacrifice of my own happiness. You see, I want to be love. I want to be full of so much love that I know, deep down, that I will always bounce back. That I won’t sink deep down into the darkness if I get rejected. That I won’t feel empty and broken if someone walks away. That I won’t intertwine who I am with how someone else feels about me. I want my soul to be so beautifully on fire on its own, that being with someone else would only bring more color to my flames.

I want to be okay without anyone else holding my heart. I want to cradle my heart in my own two hands so that no one else has the power to drop it.

If I find someone beautiful to let into my world, I will allow them to help me hold my heart. I will let them help me to lift it higher. I will let them fall head over heels in love with my heart. But I won’t give them permission to drop it. I won’t give them the power to break me or to bring me down. I won’t give them permission to diminish all of the love I still have to give.

and maybe together, i will help them lift their heart too.

i won't asked to own it, i will guard it.

Because deep down I know that I am complete. I am happy. I am good, all on my own. And I forever want to have this very happiness that shines from inside of me. I forever want to radiate the kind of happiness that can’t be destroyed by heartbreak or by heartache.

I never want to feel like I’m not enough simply because I’m not right for someone else. Because I know that I’m enough…I know that I’m enough for me. I want to be happy on my own. I want to be okay on my own. I want to be able to dance to my favorite song all on my own.

So if you choose to dance with me, or if you choose to love me, I can promise you that I will love you right back. I will share my heart with you. I will share my happiness. I will share myself. I will just have to remember that you will be adding to all of the love I already have inside of me, rather than replacing it. You may lift me up, but only I will have a say in if I fall.

Together, we can ignite a fire. Together we can be enchanting. We can lift each other up. We can support each other every single day. We can complete each other’s sentences. We can fall head over heels for each other.

But I will know, deep down, that I can still be a beautiful, burning flame, all on my own. I will know deep down that I can be happy, all by myself. I will know, deep down, that I am okay, even if I don’t have you.

a letter from Sounti to Anna

To the strongest girl , I have ever met :
ANNA.

Hello Starting this letter on a lighter note , can this letter get a smile , please ? Thank you .

The thing about you that I find so beautiful is the way you handle yourself  and others with so much of care , with so much of love . The self - love that you are gaining , is a lesson for everyone out there , including  from Me. including the painful one. The kind of heart that you possess , the smile you spread , and the positivity one can feel while talking to you makes you a person of so much respect , of so much grace .

For how you make the other person so comfortable around you , how your small lectures change someone ' s life, make them believe in themselves . About how you love without conditions, even tho sometimes it is hard  , how you take care of the people around you , of the people you call yours,  makes you the kindest of all , a diamond to be precise .. you were hidden inside the rock. But now you finally shine out!


You are the bravest girl , I have met . The way you respect yourself and make everyone around you to respect you is something so appreciable . You learned to know your worth , and not everyone in this world is capable of doing so .

The love you shower on your family . The way you take care of your house . The way you consider your father your world makes you a perfect daughter .

You don ' t even know how much lucky your family must be feeling for having you as a member . I am so proud of the person you are growing into , of the person you already are , of the person you were yesterday .

All the adjectives I know are not enough to explain how much you mean to me , but then , they are not even required for you know this better than | know myself . Though you know this , let me say it again . I promise to stand by your side with more positive attitude like what you always show me. I cause you so much pain, my negativity, makes you lost someone you treasure the most. And the only thing i make sure this will never happen to you again, it’s me to changes my self. To be stronger, always . No matter what the situation is , no matter about the rights and wrongs.

you will find me beside you , supporting you from falling . You will find me smiling with you whenever you will be happy , you will find me making efforts whenever you will be sad .

I know it is time for me to Finally rest now. You Are stronger without me. You are smart to see and make your own judgment without me warning you. You are grow to be so strong. And i am proud of you.

You have made my last one year a better year , probably the best year of my life .. best Lesson.. and for that , the words cannot be enough to explain how much grateful I am towards you . Thanks for being in my life .

 Yours

someone , you helped to be a better person .

- Sounti

50/50

Never date someone who expects you to put in all of the efforts. You shouldn’t be the person running around, planning dates and initiating texts. Your relationship should not be one-sided, because you will burn yourself out.

sometimes you put a lot of effort and fight just to show your love but seems like you are never be good enough. but you are!
sometimes you think you dont worth a flowers or a spontaneous cuddles, but doesn't mean you don't deserve one.
you deserve someone who plan a dates
take you to dances
or buy you ice cream
someone who asks about your day
someone who love you as much as you do.
You deserves someone who never hide you, and proud of you.


Never date someone who puts more effort into the relationship either. You don’t want to be the one who loves less, the one who takes your person for granted. You don’t want to become spoiled and stop carrying your weight because you are dating someone who would never leave you, not even if you neglected them. 

You don’t want to turn into the kind of person you have always tried to keep away from. someone who took you for granted.

You should take turns initiating sex and panning dates. You should split responsibilities down the middle, as evenly as you can, so no one feels like they are getting ripped off or one-sided.

You have to give what you want to get. You have to keep the playing field even. Never make someone feel they are less worth. Just because you know they will love you anyway, doesn't mean you stop put your effort. 

Of course, there will be days when you have your bad days and your person took a step back and understand. there will be the day when your person don't know how to feel and you offer them hug to calm their mind.

You do not have to keep things 50/50 all the time. That is impossible. Besides, keeping score will do your relationship more harm than good. You don’t want to keep track of every nice thing you have done for your person because you feel like you are owed something in return. You should be doing nice things because you love them, not because you are hoping they will repay you.

but Never put your person in the position when they think they need to keep tryinng to please you, or make them feel they worth less because you stop trying. 

As long as you are both trying, as long as you are both doing your best, as long as you are both putting in an effort to keep your relationship strong, then you have what it takes to last

This too shall pass.

This too shall pass.

Because it always does. The heartache, the pain, the sadness. It will always pass if you give it enough time. Time is something that sometimes we do not allow ourselves. We want to rush things, we want to control the outcome of situations and then dictate how things move forward. Our human nature lacks patience but has an abundance of the desire of wanting to be the one to decide which way everything should flow. We don’t want to admit it, yet we all crave control and at times we all refuse to accept that we will never fully have it. Life is too unpredictable. Deciding when and how to move forward is something we do have control of, but we will never have control over time.

We’ve all heard it before, but the struggle is temporary, even though sometimes it feels like it lasts a lifetime. We’ve all been faced with moments where we’re told not to dwell in our struggle, not to let it get us down. When we are in those dark moments, we can find it difficult to really see beyond the current suffering. But the struggle truly is temporary… the challenging part is understanding that the depth of “temporary” varies in each case.

When you face the darkness in your life, no matter the situation, you have the choice on how you move through and forward from that darkness. You possess the power to choose your happy, choose your method of survival, choose how you overcome. This is not to say that you will not suffer, but to remind you that amidst the current suffrage you always have a choice. Do not allow yourself to become a victim to circumstance. You are so much more than your circumstances. You are so much more than the variables of life.

My wish for you is to understand that a life without struggle does not truly exist, no matter how things may sometimes seem. We show others what we want them to see, we share the moments of our lives that we want to share. We don’t always express our thoughts, our worries, our internal battles. But please always remember that no matter the circumstances you face and how trying times may get, the truth remains that you will be okay.

Give yourself the gift of allowing your life to be rich with experiences. You will face battles and you will choose how to get through them. You will decide how you can move forward, despite the obstacles in your path. And you will come out on the other side, confident that you made the right choices, even if they took you down alternate paths. Remembering that each path taken is a path that you will learn from. Every twist and turn will teach you about the person you are and the person you are becoming. There is never a lack of opportunity if you are willing to grow. Don’t be like those unwilling to change, don’t be like those who close themselves off to new experiences. Instead, choose growth, which is something that needs to be welcomed and sought after. Personal growth comes through struggle and grief just as much as it comes through triumph and joy. Allow yourself the gift of growth, allow yourself to be present in each moment, good or bad. Allow yourself to be here now, and I promise you that through it all, you will be okay.

the spark is going to come and go no matter what.

We don’t really walk away from anything in our lives. We simply outgrow them. It’s really rare that anything severs or breaks because of a lack of love. If there weren’t any love, we wouldn’t have bonded or attached to it in the first place.

We don’t walk away because we run out of love. We walk away because we run out of growth.

We walk away not because we aren’t still amazed by someone, but because we know that their plans and our plans are incompatible, and we aren’t willing to sacrifice our souls for their hearts. 

Because the truth is that you’re going to fight with every person you are in a relationship with, often about similar things, and with similar intensity. The truth is that you’re going to lose jobs and make enemies absolutely anywhere you live. You cannot immunize yourself to life by placing yourself in perfect circumstances. You cannot escape from reality.

But, We don’t walk away from anything because we stop loving it, we walk away when there’s nothing left to fight for. We walk away when we’re or them no longer willing to change, to adapt, to be BETTER for another person equally.

The truth is that everything is going to hurt you, everything is going to challenge you, everything is going to be difficult sometimes. But the people and places you stay with — the ones you continue to carry with you — are the ones who are willing to go and growing in the same direction as you.

The one worth fight for

The one worth staying for.

they’re the ones in which both people resolve arguments and agree that they never want to fight like that again. 

They’re the ones in which two partners have a similar dream to grow, one that glues them together even when times are tough. They’re the ones in which two people are so inherently connected to one another, their futures are entwined, they’re one and the same.

That’s the purpose anything serves in your life: what and who it makes you out to be.

This is how you know whether or not it’s time to let go or to try harder: 

you ask yourself whether or not that thing is going to make you a better person or waste of time. You asked your self if you both wanted to grow together.

the spark is going to come and go no matter what. no matter who you are with, the circle will repeat if you aren't willing to grow and learn. 

You’re never going to look at a person or place with the same fresh, wild eyes you did when you first were introduced. You’re going to get used to your surroundings. You’re going to get used to each other. The newness is going to fade into normalcy, eventually.

What is going to carry you through these times is not your present, it’s the future you’re committing to creating together. And grow together.

Love .

I always amazed by people who say ”you got to love yourself first”

I wish self-love is that easy.

I wish self-love come from every inch of my body and every drop of my blood

I hope self-love is something that comes to me naturally

It is easy to say that self-love is one of the most important things in the world, and yes it is. It is.

Doesn't mean it comes easily

I was learning about love from people who never love me

Love is always bizarre for me

Something new.

When i was young my mom and dad love language is screaming to each other but keep telling me they love each other and it's just the way they talk. They sugarcoat the truth forget that i learned from what they showed me. Love is loud. 

You scream to people. Because you love them. You hurt people because you love them.

When i was a little older love is a form of a kind older boy with an unkind gesture that i called love. All touches felt like every needle hurting my skin. And he called it love. I was 7.

Everyday Love comes in a form of fighting for your spot among your sisters to be your mom’s favorite because she always has a different one every month. and never you, because you are the ugly one

Self-love i learn from the television is how to make your hair longer, get your skin whiter, and yourself thinner because that is the only way the love will find you.

Love comes in form of wizard that trick me into the dungeon.

In form of a dragon that kept me inside the prison. And everyday was  constant repeatation of reminders that i am not good enough, people can leave me, and the fact that people stay its because i am lucky the’ve had picked me.

When I thought i see love. It was never it. Or maybe it is love. Come in the form of the wolf that feast on my blood and left me empty as soon as the moon disappear. 

And i loved them hard and not loved hard enough in returned.

I love them harder hoping that people will eventually see the worth to love me back.

My love language is verbal. And loud. 

I am louder so they can listen and pay attention. It was never good enough.

So i thought for so long, this is what i deserve.

That's the way of love i know. The way of love i learned. 

And yeah. It is easy to say you gotta love your self. But what i was taught that i have to fight for love. because i deserves none.

I have none to give to my self because i was taught to give it all to get one in return. 

I started to pick up the wasted love that people Dont want from me and begin to give it to my self, i do. But it doesn't come easily. 

So on my bad day

Dont tell me you have to love yourself first

Becaus i tried, i do.

YOU ARE STRONG. YOU SPEAK UP.

You are strong because you are in a constant battle with your anxiety. It’s telling you that you are weak. That you shouldn’t speak up.

Some days, you couldn't hold your own voices, someday you listen to everything that voice tells you. But other days, you finds the power to ignore it. You find the strength to leave your room. To socialize. To smile.

You are strong, because you show up, even when you shaking. you speak, even when it’s with a cracked voice. You keep breathing, even when those breaths are shaky.

It would be easy for you just to hold your voices and keep it inside your head and consume you, to cancel plans with your friends, turn down dates, skip class, call in sick from work — and sometimes, yes, you do. Sometimes, the idea of being around people is too much for you to handle.

But most of the time, you do what you have to do. You switch off your alarm. you go to showers. you dresses. And then you get shit done.

Of course, you get distracted throughout the day. The tiniest thing can send your mind spinning. A text from someone you didn’t expect to hear from. a worry though that you will be left behind, An email you isn’t quite sure how to answer. A strange look from one of your coworkers.

You suffer from constant self-consciousness, but you try to pushes past it. You ignore the way you think everyone is looking at you, judging you, and you force yourself to be productive. you force yourself to focus on what’s important.

You refuse to let anxiety control your life. you try to not let you dark thoughts eclipse the positive ones. you motivated to be the best person you can be.

At times, your anxiety makes you feel weak and need someone, you feel like you don't deserve to be in the same room as people that can talk to strangers as if they’ve known each other for years.

But even though you feel inferior, that’s far from the truth. YOU ARE a warrior. A badass.

You try so hard. You put in so much effort. And you got so far.

Some people rarely venture outside of their comfort zone — but YOU are outside of your comfort zone every damn day. 

Sure, there are times when You suffers from setbacks. When you don't say a single word for hours. When you stay in your pajamas and puts off showering.

But there are other times when you find the courage to speak your mind. When you surprise yourself with how brave you can be. even after that, all you got is rejection.

You probably don’t realize it yet, but girls with anxiety are the strongest girls in the world because they never have a minute of peace. Because they’re always struggling — and they’re always winning. You are strong!