Finally, I am in love with MY SELF

I am happy on my own. I now have the kind of happiness that can’t be lost with heartbreak. I have the kind of happiness that doesn’t disappear in the blink of an eye when someone lets me down or gives up on me. I have my heart to be completely full even when it is not intertwined with another heart.

i found it. i learned

the lesson is painful but necessary.

I can finally say I don’t depend on anyone else to bring me life, or to ignite the spark within me. I  see the world in beautiful colors, sparkling and lit up, even when I am all alone. I have the courage to see the world with rose-colored glasses, even when no one is in love with me, even when no one sees me as their brightest star in the sky. Because I am still an iridescent star. I still have my whole world to be happy about. To shine for. I SEE ME.

After Rejection and Rejection. I no longer Reject my self.

Two Lesson is Enough to help me find the balance between two.

I was careless and traumatize, i was so done with a narcissistic relationship, so when i start a new one and think i dont have to fight for love because i got him, he wasn't going anywhere. so i put no effort, and i was wrong.

and i found someone who kind, and healing, this time i approach love differently, i put the relationship as the most important aspect of my life. i dont want to lose no more, i quit the fulltime job, i am focus to make this one work. i forgot to give the air.  and again i am wrong.

Thinking back, i am causing my self too much suffering from losing, too much suffering from finding someone and something who can fulfill me.

when you find fulfillment from a person, it was vague, it was temporary. you can replace them, and they can easily replace YOU with Someone New, someone Fun. people stop fighting.

when you find fulfillment within yourself, you will not need another person to make you feel whole. you dont need them, you WANT them. and that is different. 

My alter who always overthinking, understand that now, and now its time to step back and knowing my own worth.

and when i found my true worth, i found my true self again.

I go having fun and reconnect with old friends, I dive my self into creative and even come back to my old job without overwork my self.

i found my balance.

my next relationship won't be the relationship i need, but i WANT. 

the kind of relationship that i dont have to work 100 percent because i know that the other person will work another percentage with me in their own way. not in my way.

I find closure with my old self and my past.

i realize it was so hard to love my self because i never really forgive my self and the past. 

i forgive all of them who hurt me. Most importantly, i Forgive me

i used to blame and surrender to my GAD and Anxiety and making excuses for me. i dont say that i have to be strong 100 percent, sometimes it is okay to not be okay. but lately, i am become lazy to try. put everything that goes wrong into a box and blamed my depression. 

I can't tell the difference between Grief and Self Pityness 

from now on, my skies might not always blue, and my Sun will not always shine, but i won't be a pitty, when i am sad i will grief but not making excuses and try to fix something that is not broken just to kept my head busy.

And when I lose someone I love, I don’t want my world to fall apart. I don’t want my everything to come crashing down on me as if they were all I had, as if they were all I lived for. I want to be sad, I want to feel things, but I want to know that I will be okay. I want to know that I will not reside in darkness or loneliness. I want to ensure that I will not forget who I am.

Don’t get me wrong. I want to be in love again one day. But not at the sacrifice of my own happiness. You see, I want to be love. I want to be full of so much love that I know, deep down, that I will always bounce back. That I won’t sink deep down into the darkness if I get rejected. That I won’t feel empty and broken if someone walks away. That I won’t intertwine who I am with how someone else feels about me. I want my soul to be so beautifully on fire on its own, that being with someone else would only bring more color to my flames.

I want to be okay without anyone else holding my heart. I want to cradle my heart in my own two hands so that no one else has the power to drop it.

If I find someone beautiful to let into my world, I will allow them to help me hold my heart. I will let them help me to lift it higher. I will let them fall head over heels in love with my heart. But I won’t give them permission to drop it. I won’t give them the power to break me or to bring me down. I won’t give them permission to diminish all of the love I still have to give.

and maybe together, i will help them lift their heart too.

i won't asked to own it, i will guard it.

Because deep down I know that I am complete. I am happy. I am good, all on my own. And I forever want to have this very happiness that shines from inside of me. I forever want to radiate the kind of happiness that can’t be destroyed by heartbreak or by heartache.

I never want to feel like I’m not enough simply because I’m not right for someone else. Because I know that I’m enough…I know that I’m enough for me. I want to be happy on my own. I want to be okay on my own. I want to be able to dance to my favorite song all on my own.

So if you choose to dance with me, or if you choose to love me, I can promise you that I will love you right back. I will share my heart with you. I will share my happiness. I will share myself. I will just have to remember that you will be adding to all of the love I already have inside of me, rather than replacing it. You may lift me up, but only I will have a say in if I fall.

Together, we can ignite a fire. Together we can be enchanting. We can lift each other up. We can support each other every single day. We can complete each other’s sentences. We can fall head over heels for each other.

But I will know, deep down, that I can still be a beautiful, burning flame, all on my own. I will know deep down that I can be happy, all by myself. I will know, deep down, that I am okay, even if I don’t have you.