Love .

I always amazed by people who say ”you got to love yourself first”

I wish self-love is that easy.

I wish self-love come from every inch of my body and every drop of my blood

I hope self-love is something that comes to me naturally

It is easy to say that self-love is one of the most important things in the world, and yes it is. It is.

Doesn't mean it comes easily

I was learning about love from people who never love me

Love is always bizarre for me

Something new.

When i was young my mom and dad love language is screaming to each other but keep telling me they love each other and it's just the way they talk. They sugarcoat the truth forget that i learned from what they showed me. Love is loud. 

You scream to people. Because you love them. You hurt people because you love them.

When i was a little older love is a form of a kind older boy with an unkind gesture that i called love. All touches felt like every needle hurting my skin. And he called it love. I was 7.

Everyday Love comes in a form of fighting for your spot among your sisters to be your mom’s favorite because she always has a different one every month. and never you, because you are the ugly one

Self-love i learn from the television is how to make your hair longer, get your skin whiter, and yourself thinner because that is the only way the love will find you.

Love comes in form of wizard that trick me into the dungeon.

In form of a dragon that kept me inside the prison. And everyday was  constant repeatation of reminders that i am not good enough, people can leave me, and the fact that people stay its because i am lucky the’ve had picked me.

When I thought i see love. It was never it. Or maybe it is love. Come in the form of the wolf that feast on my blood and left me empty as soon as the moon disappear. 

And i loved them hard and not loved hard enough in returned.

I love them harder hoping that people will eventually see the worth to love me back.

My love language is verbal. And loud. 

I am louder so they can listen and pay attention. It was never good enough.

So i thought for so long, this is what i deserve.

That's the way of love i know. The way of love i learned. 

And yeah. It is easy to say you gotta love your self. But what i was taught that i have to fight for love. because i deserves none.

I have none to give to my self because i was taught to give it all to get one in return. 

I started to pick up the wasted love that people Dont want from me and begin to give it to my self, i do. But it doesn't come easily. 

So on my bad day

Dont tell me you have to love yourself first

Becaus i tried, i do.