4 in the morning.

We were both immature when we first met.

You were too empty and I was too broken.

We were blindly compromised the real us to keep each other impress.

The foundation was based on lies and when the truth came out we were shocked. The situation wasn't hard, We both did. 

Instead of accepting and trying to fix ourselves, We try to fix the other to come back as we expected from the start. 

All the expectations and hope was Silent killer.

The surprise feeling of what we expect to be and the reality that we can't tell the difference  between. We forgot to what's most important stuff. To literally have fun. The love is fun, We both fun. 

Looking back it's wasn't all bad. It wasn't all misery 

We were both to focus on each other’s flaws and forgot to cherish the shines, we don’t remember what makes both of us fall in love at the first place.

The good thing become routine. And we were stop trying. 

That is why it was so easy for other to scoop in because we don't see any value on each other anymore. And maybe all the love is not gone, We were just forgot.
Maybe we could try to Remember...

So when you are ready, come and find me. 

I will be ready too.

I am learning about my self now. so by that time I will be whole. 

and you are you. and I wouldn't want to changes that.

Let's meet again for the first time. no promises. 

Only this time, we knew each other's soul and kindness, and we can start from that.

Finally, I am in love with MY SELF

I am happy on my own. I now have the kind of happiness that can’t be lost with heartbreak. I have the kind of happiness that doesn’t disappear in the blink of an eye when someone lets me down or gives up on me. I have my heart to be completely full even when it is not intertwined with another heart.

i found it. i learned

the lesson is painful but necessary.

I can finally say I don’t depend on anyone else to bring me life, or to ignite the spark within me. I  see the world in beautiful colors, sparkling and lit up, even when I am all alone. I have the courage to see the world with rose-colored glasses, even when no one is in love with me, even when no one sees me as their brightest star in the sky. Because I am still an iridescent star. I still have my whole world to be happy about. To shine for. I SEE ME.

After Rejection and Rejection. I no longer Reject my self.

Two Lesson is Enough to help me find the balance between two.

I was careless and traumatize, i was so done with a narcissistic relationship, so when i start a new one and think i dont have to fight for love because i got him, he wasn't going anywhere. so i put no effort, and i was wrong.

and i found someone who kind, and healing, this time i approach love differently, i put the relationship as the most important aspect of my life. i dont want to lose no more, i quit the fulltime job, i am focus to make this one work. i forgot to give the air.  and again i am wrong.

Thinking back, i am causing my self too much suffering from losing, too much suffering from finding someone and something who can fulfill me.

when you find fulfillment from a person, it was vague, it was temporary. you can replace them, and they can easily replace YOU with Someone New, someone Fun. people stop fighting.

when you find fulfillment within yourself, you will not need another person to make you feel whole. you dont need them, you WANT them. and that is different. 

My alter who always overthinking, understand that now, and now its time to step back and knowing my own worth.

and when i found my true worth, i found my true self again.

I go having fun and reconnect with old friends, I dive my self into creative and even come back to my old job without overwork my self.

i found my balance.

my next relationship won't be the relationship i need, but i WANT. 

the kind of relationship that i dont have to work 100 percent because i know that the other person will work another percentage with me in their own way. not in my way.

I find closure with my old self and my past.

i realize it was so hard to love my self because i never really forgive my self and the past. 

i forgive all of them who hurt me. Most importantly, i Forgive me

i used to blame and surrender to my GAD and Anxiety and making excuses for me. i dont say that i have to be strong 100 percent, sometimes it is okay to not be okay. but lately, i am become lazy to try. put everything that goes wrong into a box and blamed my depression. 

I can't tell the difference between Grief and Self Pityness 

from now on, my skies might not always blue, and my Sun will not always shine, but i won't be a pitty, when i am sad i will grief but not making excuses and try to fix something that is not broken just to kept my head busy.

And when I lose someone I love, I don’t want my world to fall apart. I don’t want my everything to come crashing down on me as if they were all I had, as if they were all I lived for. I want to be sad, I want to feel things, but I want to know that I will be okay. I want to know that I will not reside in darkness or loneliness. I want to ensure that I will not forget who I am.

Don’t get me wrong. I want to be in love again one day. But not at the sacrifice of my own happiness. You see, I want to be love. I want to be full of so much love that I know, deep down, that I will always bounce back. That I won’t sink deep down into the darkness if I get rejected. That I won’t feel empty and broken if someone walks away. That I won’t intertwine who I am with how someone else feels about me. I want my soul to be so beautifully on fire on its own, that being with someone else would only bring more color to my flames.

I want to be okay without anyone else holding my heart. I want to cradle my heart in my own two hands so that no one else has the power to drop it.

If I find someone beautiful to let into my world, I will allow them to help me hold my heart. I will let them help me to lift it higher. I will let them fall head over heels in love with my heart. But I won’t give them permission to drop it. I won’t give them the power to break me or to bring me down. I won’t give them permission to diminish all of the love I still have to give.

and maybe together, i will help them lift their heart too.

i won't asked to own it, i will guard it.

Because deep down I know that I am complete. I am happy. I am good, all on my own. And I forever want to have this very happiness that shines from inside of me. I forever want to radiate the kind of happiness that can’t be destroyed by heartbreak or by heartache.

I never want to feel like I’m not enough simply because I’m not right for someone else. Because I know that I’m enough…I know that I’m enough for me. I want to be happy on my own. I want to be okay on my own. I want to be able to dance to my favorite song all on my own.

So if you choose to dance with me, or if you choose to love me, I can promise you that I will love you right back. I will share my heart with you. I will share my happiness. I will share myself. I will just have to remember that you will be adding to all of the love I already have inside of me, rather than replacing it. You may lift me up, but only I will have a say in if I fall.

Together, we can ignite a fire. Together we can be enchanting. We can lift each other up. We can support each other every single day. We can complete each other’s sentences. We can fall head over heels for each other.

But I will know, deep down, that I can still be a beautiful, burning flame, all on my own. I will know deep down that I can be happy, all by myself. I will know, deep down, that I am okay, even if I don’t have you.

a letter from Sounti to Anna

To the strongest girl , I have ever met :
ANNA.

Hello Starting this letter on a lighter note , can this letter get a smile , please ? Thank you .

The thing about you that I find so beautiful is the way you handle yourself  and others with so much of care , with so much of love . The self - love that you are gaining , is a lesson for everyone out there , including  from Me. including the painful one. The kind of heart that you possess , the smile you spread , and the positivity one can feel while talking to you makes you a person of so much respect , of so much grace .

For how you make the other person so comfortable around you , how your small lectures change someone ' s life, make them believe in themselves . About how you love without conditions, even tho sometimes it is hard  , how you take care of the people around you , of the people you call yours,  makes you the kindest of all , a diamond to be precise .. you were hidden inside the rock. But now you finally shine out!


You are the bravest girl , I have met . The way you respect yourself and make everyone around you to respect you is something so appreciable . You learned to know your worth , and not everyone in this world is capable of doing so .

The love you shower on your family . The way you take care of your house . The way you consider your father your world makes you a perfect daughter .

You don ' t even know how much lucky your family must be feeling for having you as a member . I am so proud of the person you are growing into , of the person you already are , of the person you were yesterday .

All the adjectives I know are not enough to explain how much you mean to me , but then , they are not even required for you know this better than | know myself . Though you know this , let me say it again . I promise to stand by your side with more positive attitude like what you always show me. I cause you so much pain, my negativity, makes you lost someone you treasure the most. And the only thing i make sure this will never happen to you again, it’s me to changes my self. To be stronger, always . No matter what the situation is , no matter about the rights and wrongs.

you will find me beside you , supporting you from falling . You will find me smiling with you whenever you will be happy , you will find me making efforts whenever you will be sad .

I know it is time for me to Finally rest now. You Are stronger without me. You are smart to see and make your own judgment without me warning you. You are grow to be so strong. And i am proud of you.

You have made my last one year a better year , probably the best year of my life .. best Lesson.. and for that , the words cannot be enough to explain how much grateful I am towards you . Thanks for being in my life .

 Yours

someone , you helped to be a better person .

- Sounti

50/50

Never date someone who expects you to put in all of the efforts. You shouldn’t be the person running around, planning dates and initiating texts. Your relationship should not be one-sided, because you will burn yourself out.

sometimes you put a lot of effort and fight just to show your love but seems like you are never be good enough. but you are!
sometimes you think you dont worth a flowers or a spontaneous cuddles, but doesn't mean you don't deserve one.
you deserve someone who plan a dates
take you to dances
or buy you ice cream
someone who asks about your day
someone who love you as much as you do.
You deserves someone who never hide you, and proud of you.


Never date someone who puts more effort into the relationship either. You don’t want to be the one who loves less, the one who takes your person for granted. You don’t want to become spoiled and stop carrying your weight because you are dating someone who would never leave you, not even if you neglected them. 

You don’t want to turn into the kind of person you have always tried to keep away from. someone who took you for granted.

You should take turns initiating sex and panning dates. You should split responsibilities down the middle, as evenly as you can, so no one feels like they are getting ripped off or one-sided.

You have to give what you want to get. You have to keep the playing field even. Never make someone feel they are less worth. Just because you know they will love you anyway, doesn't mean you stop put your effort. 

Of course, there will be days when you have your bad days and your person took a step back and understand. there will be the day when your person don't know how to feel and you offer them hug to calm their mind.

You do not have to keep things 50/50 all the time. That is impossible. Besides, keeping score will do your relationship more harm than good. You don’t want to keep track of every nice thing you have done for your person because you feel like you are owed something in return. You should be doing nice things because you love them, not because you are hoping they will repay you.

but Never put your person in the position when they think they need to keep tryinng to please you, or make them feel they worth less because you stop trying. 

As long as you are both trying, as long as you are both doing your best, as long as you are both putting in an effort to keep your relationship strong, then you have what it takes to last