How it feels like to love or be with someone with severe anxiety.

For anyone who thinks she/he's falling for a girl who tends to be a little on the anxious side, just know that it's going to be different than any girl you've loved before. She is going to be a little, or a lot, guarded. She'll scare easier. She's going to have a hard time trusting you, but it doesn't mean she doesn't.

She'll come off as confident and resilient, the type of person who knows how to get what she wants. She wants everyone to think she's strong, but don't be fooled so easily. When she realizes you can see through the show she puts on, it'll scare her. 

She wasn't sure if you will stay, because everyone get tired of her. She'll show you the worst because she wanted to know the real you, what's your plan to her, are you here to stay, are you here for good? do you have hidden agenda? is she just your back up plan? can you handle her at her worst, because, for sure that day will come.

The first time she breaks down and shows you what's really going on inside her head, it's going to be confusing. It's going to be so different from the side of her that you've seen before, and it's going to catch you off guard. and when this time comes, when she opens up to you, means that she trusted you know with all her cards, please don't take it lightly.

People in her world wasn't kind before, so she wasn't sure you are going to be different.

no matter how long you've been together, 5 weeks, 5 months, 5 year.

If you choose to stick around, it won't always be easy. 

As badly as I know you're going to want to, you can't just swoop in and save her from her past. She's been through a lot and it has affected her in ways you'll never be able to understand. You're going to try to kiss away her pain and her scars and all of her bad memories, but there will be times when you crawl into bed with her at 2 am after a long night and she's going to be in another world. No matter how hard you try, you won't be able to reach her, and that's okay. Sometimes she'll do that. She's just scared that if she explains what's going on in her head, all her doubts, and fears, that you'll run away just like the guys before you did. 

The best thing you can do in the world is to make her feel safe. When she's quiet, wrap your arms around her. When she's so stressed out that she can't form sentences correctly and those little worry lines form on her forehead, kiss her on the top of the head and tell her that you're there for her. 

Tell her that you understand, that she doesn't need to explain herself if she didn't want to, and let her speak when she needed to 

what she's going to say would seem to be nonsense and batshit crazy for you, 

but that is how raw she feels, and she knows that it doesn't make senses, and because she knows it, she scares that everything inside her head will scare you away, because no matter how hard she tried, she could never push all the thoughts away. 

She just needs to hear that it's going to be okay. 
she knows it will, she knows it will pass, she's done this ride before, 
this is not her first rollercoaster. 

She just needs someone to tell her, someone to convince her because right at that moment, her head tells her the other story. You'd be surprised by how much she really needs to hear those words, and hearing them from you will make a world of difference. 

I know it's gonna be hard to love her, but I can promise you one thing. If you stick around if you learn to love her little or a lot freak out moments about things that seem incredibly inconsequential, if you let her be herself and you learn how to handle her incessant worrying; without take it personally because it's not about you, it is all inside her head. And if you ride this with her it will change your life. Yes, she'll teach you patience and kindness as you've never known you have inside you. 

Once she knows that she can trust you, she'll show you a kind of love and understanding like you've never seen, and will likely never see again. When you break down her walls, she will do the same for you. You'll never have to explain yourself to her, and she will always be your #1 fan. Irreplaceable.

So although I know it may not seem worth it when she's crying and you can't do anything to help, or when she's been freaking out for four hours over something that makes no sense to you, but I can promise you that loving a girl with anxiety will change your world because she will NEVER love you half way. 

When you date someone faithful

When you date someone faithful, someone who would never dream of breaking his promises to you, you have a hard time coping with your trust issues. You aren’t sure how to handle it when the fears come creeping back inside because deep down you know he wouldn’t do anything to hurt you.

There haven’t been any red flags. He has been treating you right since day one. He never looks at another girl for too long. He never comments on how you could look better. He loves you the way you are. He claims you are the most beautiful woman in the world and you believe him, you can tell he is speaking from the heart.

But you have been hurt in the past so you are still skeptical even though you have absolutely no reason to be. You read too deeply into every move he makes because you have heard stories of cheaters and read articles about them and were probably even cheated on yourself before. You know the signs to watch out for so you keep your eyes open at all times.

The worst case scenario plays out in your mind, taunting you. you’re sorry and it’s stupid but you are terrified of being abandoned again.

the scenarios go again... He might try to calm you down at first, to reassure you that he hasn’t done anything to hurt you, but only the first few times. He has already been doing everything he can and you still don’t trust him. He feels powerless. He feels like he is being ignored.

When you date a good guy but are still scared of getting left on, you know you are probably only being paranoid. You know that you should push your fears to the back of your mind — but you push yourself away from your person instead.

You tell yourself that if you don’t care about him, then you cannot get hurt by him. You erect a wall to protect your heart because you could not even imagine how much pain you would experience if you allowed yourself to trust him, to love him, to dedicate yourself to him and he hurt you anyway.

In the end, you end up sabotaging a perfectly good relationship because you cannot accept the idea that someone loves you and only you.

One day you’re gonna meet someone who simply feels like home.

There’s gonna be one person who breaks through every wall you have and you’re left with these raw emotions you didn’t even know you were capable of feeling.

And you’re gonna look at them knowing well they aren’t perfect. But regardless of that, your flaws complement each other in a way that it all makes sense.

You’ll talk about dreams and ambitions like you haven’t before. You’ll talk about disappointments and fears you didn’t even know of.

You talk about insecurities and mistakes and there before you is someone who doesn’t judge you for any of it.

You find yourself remembering every little detail. From the first time you met and the first words they said.

And it surprises you because we go through motions in life seeing so many faces and having so many interactions but somehow you remember every detail of this one.

One day you’re gonna meet someone who simply feels like home.

One day you’re gonna meet someone who you don’t just want to spend the night with but who you look forward to waking up and sharing your morning with.

This person is different because there is gonna be one person that is able to break through the bullshit you sell to the world.

They look you in the eyes and know when you’re lying.
They look you in the eyes and know what you are thinking and feeling before you even say.
it feels like they can read your expression without even trying.
You don't have to explain yourself
You don't have to hide your mind

There’s a connection there you’ll never understand. But you’ll just be happy you met someone who can share in that.

And they’ll let you into their world, too.

This is scary but I am learning....

I’m slowly learning that it’s okay to believe again. It’s okay to believe that someone finds you adorable and special. It’s okay to believe the sweet words someone tells you instead of trying to find the lies in their words. It’s okay to believe that someone wants you the same way you want them. I’m slowly learning that history doesn’t always repeat itself. That love doesn’t always mean tears, heartbreak and rejection. That for once, a happy ending is right around the corner.

I’m slowly learning that it’s okay to trust again. Trust that you can be enough for someone and they won’t have to look away. Trust that you don’t have to compete for their love and affection because they already know your worth. They already know your value. Trust that sometimes they’re the ones afraid of losing you. Trust that sometimes your biggest fears are theirs too. I’m slowly learning that trust doesn’t always have to be broken and that every now and then a person can promise you the world and actually gives it to you.

I’m slowly learning that it’s okay to be happy again. It’s okay to let the happiness linger and the butterflies in your stomach dance. It’s okay to enjoy being happy without wondering when it will fade away or how long it will last. It’s okay to believe that it could last, that it’s not that elusive dream you’ve been chasing anymore. It’s okay to believe that happiness found you and it wants to stick around this time.

I’m slowly learning that it’s okay to love again without thinking about how or when it will end. I’m slowly learning that it’s okay to believe in love one more time without trying to protect my heart from being broken. It’s okay to trust again that someone can truly love you and stay with you every time you think they’re going to leave. I’m slowly learning that sometimes love stays and it exceeds all your expectations. 

A Thank You Letter To The Man Who Found Me When I Was Broken

I never thought of myself as worthy of love. I wasn’t sure when you came along that I was capable of receiving love, let alone giving it out in return.

When you found me I was already withered away into a shell of who I once was. Just a frail, single teenage mother trying to pick up all the pieces that were recently broken. I was told, “There’s something wrong with you. ” So thank you for showing me that there is absolutely nothing wrong with me and that even I am worthy of love. Thank you for helping me pick up every single piece of me off the ground.

You were there through almost everything. You pointed out every single flaw of mine and showed me that even those were worth loving. One by one you took down every brick that surrounded my heart. It was the only thing left I had in me because it was where I kept my family, and I couldn’t let anything happen to the very last piece of me. The only way for you to get in was to break my walls down slowly, so thank you for taking the bricks down to make room for more than just one love, because my heart craved you.

When we got in our first argument, I was sure you were going to run for the hills, but you didn’t. You stayed. Even in our arguments, you had love in your voice. That was something very unfamiliar to me. I never thought it was possible to show love through fighting, but I’ve learned that with you, anything is possible.

Thank you for showing me the parts of myself that were hidden. The best parts of me. Thank you for falling in love with all of me, the good parts of me, the ugly parts of me, the flawed parts of me. Thank you for teaching me how to love. I know without a doubt I’m doing it right because I’ve had the best teacher. I wish everyone had someone like you in their life because the world would be a better place if they had more people like you in it.

That Doesn’t Scare Me

There aren’t enough words in the English dictionary or enough combinations thereof to accurately describe the number of feelings that I feel for you.

I’ve always known you were special. I’ve always known that you weren’t just a fling and that our feelings weren’t fleeting in the way that most young love is. 

You have the power to completely obliviate every ounce of happiness I hold in my body and that doesn’t scare me. It doesn’t scare me that you could ruin my entire world, shatter the floor beneath me if you wanted to because I know that you like me in the infinite way I like you.

I see it when you look at me. You look in my eyes as if they were some dark abyss. As if my eyes held the endlessness of space and you smile. You hold my hand and hold it tight as if I might run away or disappear.  You accept my love and breathe it in the way everyone else inhales oxygen. never feel its too much that suffocated you.

What we have doesn’t make sense to most people, they might think its too much too soon, but it’s because I know they haven’t found what you are to me. They haven’t found that one person that makes them feel infinitely happy. I know that finding you this young was a blessing.

I had started to question my faith and the fact that anything good could happen to me and you came along and proved that I had to struggle to get where I am today and it was worth it. 

I fear love

all I think about is death. It's dark, it's empty, but it's nothing.

but at least it's not hurt, it is not painful, it's not leaving you with those aches in your chest and stomach. it doesn't leave you breathless empty like someone punched your throats.

if I have to choose between a peaceful death and painfully living, of course, I would choose peacefully.

I am afraid of living because living means I am going to love again, and I am afraid of loving.

I loved hard and giving all. and I do not regret it a bit. I am not angry that love doesn't work out. I love this love so much I don't even want to love another. I choose not to, I choose to love this love. even when it's hurt.

I fear love. I fear the idea of love, and most importantly I fear that I could love again.

I fear love and it makes me fear of living.

When You Lose Someone Special

We are never ready to set free someone who once made our lives better, or who once made us better We are never truly ready to say goodbye to someone who we thought we still had forever with. We are never ready to part ways with someone we are still in love with, despite how much pain this love has caused us. We are never prepared for death, as we are never prepared to say goodbye to someone for good or to understand the permanence or finality of this goodbye. We are never fully ready to lose our best friend, the one who we thought loved us unconditionally and who we thought would love us forever. We are never really prepared for endings, or for the heartache or grief that follows.

I guess whenever love is involved, we are never really ready to say goodbye.

Because we aren’t ready to wake up in the morning and feel the pang in our chest when we remember that they are no longer in our life. We are never ready to walk the world without them, without their support or their love pushing forward. We are never ready to not be able to casually say their name in a sentence like they can still be talked about in the present tense when really, they are now in the past. We are never ready to face the truth that we can’t call them anymore when we need them, or that we can’t leave a rambling voicemail when we just need to be heard by someone. We are never ready to lose all the love they had for us, especially when we haven’t lost the love we have for them. We are never ready to lose their hug or their warm, comforting hand around ours, or the way they always could reassure us that everything would be okay.

We aren’t ready to be alone.

And as soon as they go, all we can think about is the huge hole they left behind, right in the middle of our hearts. All we can feel is the ache that won’t go away, no matter what we do or no matter how hard we try to comfort ourselves. All we can think about is all of the dreams that we had that are no longer going to happen, at least not with them by our side. All we can think about is how scared we are to take on the world alone, and how deeply sad we feel by their absence.

All we can think about is what we are missing.

But the truth is, we aren’t defined by our losses. We aren’t defined by who left us or who we lost. We aren’t defined by the reasons someone had for leaving us, or by the reasons we never heard. We aren’t defined by the grief we carry with us, long after our person leaves us. We aren’t defined by the numbness we feel, or the tears we cry, long after they are gone. We aren’t defined by the sadness or the heartbreak, and we can’t let our heartaches rule our lives forever. We aren’t defined by our losses.

We can carry our losses with us, we can hold space for the memories of the special relationship we once had. But we can’t let ourselves be defined by our grief. We can’t let ourselves be defined by our heartbreaks. We can miss them, but we can’t lose ourselves when we lose them. We can miss them, but we can’t let our lives be over once they are gone. Because we still have our lives to live. We still have mountains to move and tides to turn. We still have others to love. And we still have so much love to give.

We aren’t defined by our losses. But we are defined by how we choose to continue to live after they are gone. We are defined by how we let their loss impact us, how we let it shape us. What defines us is how we make the world a more beautiful place not in spite of, but because of our losses. What defines us is how we piece back together our broken parts, and turn them into something greater than what we had before.

We loved, and we lost. And our hearts are bigger for it. We’ve lost a piece of ourselves. We’ve lost a world. But we haven’t lost the whole world. And while the sadness and the heartache will consume us for a while, we still have our lives to live. We still have our hearts to share. And we still have such a capacity for love. And while our hearts ache, and while we are consumed by missing them, we can’t let this loss break us. We can’t let it stop us from loving. Because maybe, just maybe, one day we will see that they taught us just how much love we could give. They taught us how strong our hearts could be.

NO MORE MRS. NICE

I am tired of letting others take advantage of my kindness. I am sick of getting my heart broken. I am done giving people the benefit of the doubt. I want to be the heartbreaker for a change.

Instead of giving out second and third chances to people who have already hurt me, I am going to walk away from them before they have the chance to hurt me again.

I am going to detach myself. I am going to stop keeping people around because we have history. I am going to start caring more about my own happiness than the comfort of the toxic people surrounding me.

If I am better off without someone in my world, then they will be removed without any guilt.

I am not going to feel guilty about expecting to be treated with respect.

I am not going to feel guilty about raising my standards after a lifetime of leaving them low.

I am not going to censor myself anymore. I am not going to be nice when I will only get kicked around in return. If someone wants respect from me, then they better give me respect.

I am no longer interested in one-sided relationships. I am not going to be there for you if you are never there for me. I am not going to accept your apologies if there is no meaning behind them. I am not going to expose myself to drama when I could choose to walk away.

You can call me a bitch for finally putting myself first. You can accuse me of overreacting. You can act like I am betraying some code of loyalty by walking away.

You can tell me I should have more faith in people — but I have spent my entire life trusting others. Assuming they are good deep down. And it has gotten me nowhere.

Second chances lead to a repeat in history. Blind trust leads to heartbreak.

I have been nice to people who have treated me like shit. I have given the benefit of the doubt to people who have proven they cannot be relied upon. I have let people remain inside of my world because I loved them, because my heart and my mind couldn’t agree on whether they were worth my time.

in my whole life. i like and care of few people, but i only ever really loved 2 of them. dragon and moon. and both lead me to the worst heartbreaking point because i give them to much, i settle for less and let my heart control all my judgment and makes me see what i want to see, not reality. today, this day, i make amends! WILL NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN!

Now, I am going to stop listening to my heart because it has screwed me over one too many times. I am going to listen to my gut. I am going to listen to my common sense.

If you give me your kindness and respect, I will still be the nice girl around you. But if you cross me, I am not going to play nice anymore. I am not going to sit in silence while you talk down to me. I am going to fight back. I am going to put you in your place.

Worst of all, I am going to walk away. You will never see my face again. You will never make an apology strong enough to bring me back.

This is new and improved me.. and after years of years of my life. i will not write about how sad i am, but how strong i could be.

Someone You Loved Song by Lewis Capaldi

I'm going under and this time I fear there's no one to save me
This all or nothing really got a way of driving me crazy
I need somebody to heal

Somebody to know
Somebody to have
Somebody to hold
It's easy to say
But it's never the same
I guess I kinda liked the way you numbed all the pain

Now the day bleeds
Into nightfall
And you're not here
To get me through it all
I let my guard down
And then you pulled the rug
I was getting kinda used to being someone you loved

I'm going under and this time I fear there's no one to turn to
This all or nothing way of loving got me sleeping without you
Now, I need somebody to know
Somebody to heal
Somebody to have
Just to know how it feels
It's easy to say but it's never the same
I guess I kinda liked the way you helped me escape

Now the day bleeds
Into nightfall
And you're not here
To get me through it all
I let my guard down
And then you pulled the rug
I was getting kinda used to being someone you loved

And I tend to close my eyes when it hurts sometimes
I fall into your arms
I'll be safe in your sound 'til I come back around

For now the day bleeds
Into nightfall
And you're not here
To get me through it all
I let my guard down
And then you pulled the rug
I was getting kinda used to being someone you loved

But now the day bleeds
Into nightfall
And you're not here
To get me through it all
I let my guard down
And then you pulled the rug
I was getting kinda used to being someone you loved

I let my guard down
And then you pulled the rug
I was getting kinda used to being someone you loved