Love .

I always amazed by people who say ”you got to love yourself first”

I wish self-love is that easy.

I wish self-love come from every inch of my body and every drop of my blood

I hope self-love is something that comes to me naturally

It is easy to say that self-love is one of the most important things in the world, and yes it is. It is.

Doesn't mean it comes easily

I was learning about love from people who never love me

Love is always bizarre for me

Something new.

When i was young my mom and dad love language is screaming to each other but keep telling me they love each other and it's just the way they talk. They sugarcoat the truth forget that i learned from what they showed me. Love is loud. 

You scream to people. Because you love them. You hurt people because you love them.

When i was a little older love is a form of a kind older boy with an unkind gesture that i called love. All touches felt like every needle hurting my skin. And he called it love. I was 7.

Everyday Love comes in a form of fighting for your spot among your sisters to be your mom’s favorite because she always has a different one every month. and never you, because you are the ugly one

Self-love i learn from the television is how to make your hair longer, get your skin whiter, and yourself thinner because that is the only way the love will find you.

Love comes in form of wizard that trick me into the dungeon.

In form of a dragon that kept me inside the prison. And everyday was  constant repeatation of reminders that i am not good enough, people can leave me, and the fact that people stay its because i am lucky the’ve had picked me.

When I thought i see love. It was never it. Or maybe it is love. Come in the form of the wolf that feast on my blood and left me empty as soon as the moon disappear. 

And i loved them hard and not loved hard enough in returned.

I love them harder hoping that people will eventually see the worth to love me back.

My love language is verbal. And loud. 

I am louder so they can listen and pay attention. It was never good enough.

So i thought for so long, this is what i deserve.

That's the way of love i know. The way of love i learned. 

And yeah. It is easy to say you gotta love your self. But what i was taught that i have to fight for love. because i deserves none.

I have none to give to my self because i was taught to give it all to get one in return. 

I started to pick up the wasted love that people Dont want from me and begin to give it to my self, i do. But it doesn't come easily. 

So on my bad day

Dont tell me you have to love yourself first

Becaus i tried, i do.

YOU ARE STRONG. YOU SPEAK UP.

You are strong because you are in a constant battle with your anxiety. It’s telling you that you are weak. That you shouldn’t speak up.

Some days, you couldn't hold your own voices, someday you listen to everything that voice tells you. But other days, you finds the power to ignore it. You find the strength to leave your room. To socialize. To smile.

You are strong, because you show up, even when you shaking. you speak, even when it’s with a cracked voice. You keep breathing, even when those breaths are shaky.

It would be easy for you just to hold your voices and keep it inside your head and consume you, to cancel plans with your friends, turn down dates, skip class, call in sick from work — and sometimes, yes, you do. Sometimes, the idea of being around people is too much for you to handle.

But most of the time, you do what you have to do. You switch off your alarm. you go to showers. you dresses. And then you get shit done.

Of course, you get distracted throughout the day. The tiniest thing can send your mind spinning. A text from someone you didn’t expect to hear from. a worry though that you will be left behind, An email you isn’t quite sure how to answer. A strange look from one of your coworkers.

You suffer from constant self-consciousness, but you try to pushes past it. You ignore the way you think everyone is looking at you, judging you, and you force yourself to be productive. you force yourself to focus on what’s important.

You refuse to let anxiety control your life. you try to not let you dark thoughts eclipse the positive ones. you motivated to be the best person you can be.

At times, your anxiety makes you feel weak and need someone, you feel like you don't deserve to be in the same room as people that can talk to strangers as if they’ve known each other for years.

But even though you feel inferior, that’s far from the truth. YOU ARE a warrior. A badass.

You try so hard. You put in so much effort. And you got so far.

Some people rarely venture outside of their comfort zone — but YOU are outside of your comfort zone every damn day. 

Sure, there are times when You suffers from setbacks. When you don't say a single word for hours. When you stay in your pajamas and puts off showering.

But there are other times when you find the courage to speak your mind. When you surprise yourself with how brave you can be. even after that, all you got is rejection.

You probably don’t realize it yet, but girls with anxiety are the strongest girls in the world because they never have a minute of peace. Because they’re always struggling — and they’re always winning. You are strong!