“This isn’t love yet,” But it’s a little close to that.

Without a warning, the thought of him enters your brain and stays there day and night. You try to remember the last time you felt this dizzy and conflicted and torn. You close your eyes and embrace the silence around you, hoping to understand your emotions. And it’s somehow working. You’re starting to figure out why you suddenly can’t stop thinking about him.

“This isn’t love yet,” you tell yourself. But it’s a little closer to that. You’re a few moments away from completely tearing your walls down. The logical part of you is slowly disappearing. And you’re acting like a kid again. You catch yourself smiling for no reason at all. You rest your chin above your hands, unconsciously daydreaming.

“How did this happen?” you ask yourself. You look back on the day you first met when he shook your hand when you first heard him speak. Maybe his touch melted the coldness in your heart and you weren’t aware of it at that time.

Maybe when he seated inches from you, he was throwing signs that he was interested in getting to know you. Or maybe when you complimented him for his gesture, the universe decided that both of you could be a thing.

You wish there’s an easy way to describe what you’re feeling right now.  But that will be risky. You’re not bold enough to make that big move. You’re scared that you’ll only subject yourself to humiliation. 

Your bad experiences in the past weaken your confidence. You have so many what ifs. There are hundreds of questions swarming your brain at this point. Your gut encourages you to look for more proof, to give yourself more time. The deeper you try to find answers, the more confused you get.

The truth is, you’re scared. You don’t want to gamble. You have become so good at being alone. You have found a home in your own body. And you’re convinced that you don’t need anyone else. The peace that resides within you is threatened by a potential love story and you don’t know how to handle the issue properly. It’s hard to let someone in when you’ve been used to ignoring knocks on your door. It’s hard to let someone help you be warm when you’ve been comfortable being cold for so long.

You want to give love a try but only if there’s a guarantee. In the meantime, you’ll play it safe. This is how you protect yourself because you’ve learned your lesson. The fact that you think about him once in a while means he’s beginning to become an important person to you.

A pang of guilt hits your stomach because you’re not sure if constantly thinking about him is healthy. You’re not sure if making him a major part of your life is necessary.

That maybe there’s a future and you don’t have to worry about waking up to an empty bed anymore. You need not to be afraid of trusting someone again.