Anxiety Tells Me So Many Lies I Have To Talk Myself Out Of Believing.

Anxiety tells me people don’t want to stay but feel they have to out of a sense of obligation. 

Anxiety tells me they wish they could leave but they are afraid of what it will do to me.

Anxiety tells me people aren’t choosing you, they just feel sorry for you. 

Anxiety tells me the only reason they are answering is that they’re polite. 

Anxiety tells me everyone waiting for the right moment to exit with grace.

It tells me I’m a burden. people hiding me because they are ashamed to have me in their lives.

Anxiety tells me, I might end up with another rejection.

Anxiety tells me I will never be as good as the past.. and definitely not better than the future. 

That I’m weird.

That I’m unwanted.

Unloved.

Crazy.

Anxiety tells me I need to keep apologizing.

Anxiety tells me I need to overcompensate so people have a reason to stay. I need to put effort more. love more. showing more. settle for less.

Anxiety tells me I am asking too much of what I deserved.

Anxiety tells me they aren’t answering because they don’t like me.

That they are deliberately ignoring me because of something I’ve done or said wrong.

Then anxiety reminds me of everything in the past that could apply to that scenario.

Anxiety tells me when they really get to know me, they’re going to hate me. 

Anxiety tries to teach me to hate myself.

Anxiety fixates upon my flaws saying if I were different maybe I’d be happier.

Anxiety tells me this is my fault.

Anxiety adds fuel to a fire that is self-doubt and criticism.

Anxiety keeps me up at night fixating upon everything I’ve done wrong or things I could do better.

Anxiety tells me I’m not good enough. 

Smart enough.

Pretty enough.

Normal enough.

Successful enough.

Anxiety tells me I’m going to fail.

That everyone I love will leave.

Anxiety tells me the love I have to give is not enough.

Then I wake up the next day still tired trying to counter that voice that haunts me.

Anxiety beats me up and punishes me for mistakes I can’t forgive myself for.

Anxiety tells me every worst-case scenario will come true.

Every worst fear will come to life.

Anxiety makes me feel like I’m always waiting. And I don’t even know what I’m waiting for I’m just uneasy.

I’m always comparing myself to someone and falling short.

Anxiety tells me I’ll never be good enough.

So I try so incredibly hard.

And most people are impressed.

Everyone but me.

I’ll never be a good enough friend, sister, daughter, girlfriend.

Anxiety tells me to hate myself for this. And as I break down and cry alone for things I can’t understand, anxiety knocks me when I’m already on my knees saying I deserve this.


But then everyone once in a while I come across someone whose voice speaks louder than doubts and questioning that goes on in my head. Anxiety might tell me, they’re here because they feel bad. But then those people counter those thoughts with a hug, a kind word, a conversation. And I realize anxiety might be forever a part of your life but there are people who want to be too.

“This isn’t love yet,” But it’s a little close to that.

Without a warning, the thought of him enters your brain and stays there day and night. You try to remember the last time you felt this dizzy and conflicted and torn. You close your eyes and embrace the silence around you, hoping to understand your emotions. And it’s somehow working. You’re starting to figure out why you suddenly can’t stop thinking about him.

“This isn’t love yet,” you tell yourself. But it’s a little closer to that. You’re a few moments away from completely tearing your walls down. The logical part of you is slowly disappearing. And you’re acting like a kid again. You catch yourself smiling for no reason at all. You rest your chin above your hands, unconsciously daydreaming.

“How did this happen?” you ask yourself. You look back on the day you first met when he shook your hand when you first heard him speak. Maybe his touch melted the coldness in your heart and you weren’t aware of it at that time.

Maybe when he seated inches from you, he was throwing signs that he was interested in getting to know you. Or maybe when you complimented him for his gesture, the universe decided that both of you could be a thing.

You wish there’s an easy way to describe what you’re feeling right now.  But that will be risky. You’re not bold enough to make that big move. You’re scared that you’ll only subject yourself to humiliation. 

Your bad experiences in the past weaken your confidence. You have so many what ifs. There are hundreds of questions swarming your brain at this point. Your gut encourages you to look for more proof, to give yourself more time. The deeper you try to find answers, the more confused you get.

The truth is, you’re scared. You don’t want to gamble. You have become so good at being alone. You have found a home in your own body. And you’re convinced that you don’t need anyone else. The peace that resides within you is threatened by a potential love story and you don’t know how to handle the issue properly. It’s hard to let someone in when you’ve been used to ignoring knocks on your door. It’s hard to let someone help you be warm when you’ve been comfortable being cold for so long.

You want to give love a try but only if there’s a guarantee. In the meantime, you’ll play it safe. This is how you protect yourself because you’ve learned your lesson. The fact that you think about him once in a while means he’s beginning to become an important person to you.

A pang of guilt hits your stomach because you’re not sure if constantly thinking about him is healthy. You’re not sure if making him a major part of your life is necessary.

That maybe there’s a future and you don’t have to worry about waking up to an empty bed anymore. You need not to be afraid of trusting someone again.

You deserve a love that feels like home.

You know when you’re wondering what love is supposed to feel like?

When you’re wondering how will you know this is your person? The one you’re meant to do life with.

It won’t just be a deep, unspoken love that you share. It’ll be home.

Not the kind that sits two up, two down, with a cute little driveway, and a beautiful, petal pink rose garden out back.

I mean home.

You deserve a love that feels like home.

When you travel to new cities, countries, and continents. And it doesn’t matter if you find yourself baking on the white sands of Sri Lanka, sleeping under a twinkling blanket of stars in Iceland, or trekking through dense tropical jungles in Bali. Because it doesn’t really matter where you are in the world. As long as he’s there by your side, you somehow still feel like you’re home. 

When you’re convinced he’s known you since birth, even though you lived 25 full years without him. But it must be that you were two souls born from the same star.

That moment you randomly wrap your arms around one another on a Sunday morning. For no reason at all other than wanting your heart to be a little closer to his than it was a minute ago.

A love that feels like home is when you feel wholly at ease in their presence. Comfortable in silence and sweatpants. At peace speaking your mind, and sharing little pieces of your heart.

When they’re lounging beside you on the sofa, both of your minds someplace else, and you feel just as cozy as when you’ve got a cup of hot, cinnamon coffee snuggled between your hands.

you feel safe. You know everything will be okay. Because he’s there.

When people ask you how you know, and what it feels like, and you can’t quite find the words, because there are no words that do this feeling justice.

All you can say is when you’re with them, it feels like you’re home.

And it doesn’t matter if the foundations have a little wobble, or the walls start to crack, or everything starts to look a lot less shiny and polished than it was all those years ago. What matters is that you’re both committed to sticking around, and pouring your heart and soul into this home, instead of looking around for a sparkly new one.

This is what love is supposed to feel like.

And this is how you’ll know.

You’re home.

My Heaven My Hell...

Loving me is learning patience to handle my sunsets, the aftermath of its beauty.

It’s having the patience to endure my silent treatments without abandonment because sometimes I don’t know how to put aside my pride and apologize. It’s stubborn nights and my fistful of anger I haven’t learned how to fully let go of. It’s my outbursts of sadness that are misconstrued for stuck up or arrogant.

It’s blue when all you see is red…and it’s the words I wish I could take back that are said.

Laughing at the wrong times, and too many curse words. It’s anxiety and paranoia of all those moments I put my trust into someone only to watch it shatter.

But loving me is also watching the sunrise, so tastefully with every color waiting to blossom. 

It’s listening ears when all you need is a friend. It’s loyalty and support when the world beats you down to the dirt and no one else cares to stand by you. It’s acceptance regardless of your flaws because I’m too grown to change anyone. It’s an abandonment of selfishness when you feel you have no more to give.

What’s mine is yours. What’s mine is ours. 

It’s a heart that would hurt to hurt you. It’s easing your mind when the others have played with it as if you were a jigsaw puzzle. It’s calm days as I grab you closer to cuddle you in ways that scream affection words can’t put emphasis on. How about those spontaneous nights I draw out the daredevil in you, just to make this life worth a little something.

Loving me is fire beneath the water. It’s not easy, but it’s authentic and real. It’s the mix of a season and you don’t fully appreciate the summer without a little frostbite.

Loving the Girl Who Constantly Needs Reassurance ...

I have only learned about love from those who never loved me. Needing reassurance isn’t because I fail to trust, it’s because I’ve been hurt too many times and need to know that you won’t be the same.

It’s a difficult thing, to find someone who truly wants you as much as you want them. Anxiety mixes the emotions of my life so much sometimes, that I have no idea what I’m feeling at all. I feel heavy and lost in a world I don’t seem to understand anymore. I let you in on these crushing thoughts so you can push them away and show me the truth that surrounds us. 

My anxiety isn’t that I can’t love you, it’s that I will love something so much and be left empty. My reassurance isn’t because I don’t trust you, it’s because so many others couldn’t understand that I can’t comprehend how you still smile at me after every kiss. 

I will never fit in with what is considered ‘normal’ in this world, and I’m glad. I live a life that I try to keep as authentic and true in what seems like a very fake world, and because of that, I love as authentic and as truly as I can.  Loving a girl who needs reassurance won’t be empty, you see, a day will never go by that I won’t say “I care about you” and mean it, hoping you will never have to question your place in my life.

I will be patient with you, and understanding of things I may not be able to always understand. I will be calm in hectic situations if you ask me to be, and I will listen to the early hours of the morning if that’s what it takes to calm your mind. I ask that you remain patient with me when I ask a year from now if you still like me, and be understanding when I voice a fear of mine that makes absolutely no sense.

Every time you are able to hold my hand and squeeze me back into reality, it’s just more proof that you are the good one for me, that the feeling of you holding my heart isn’t scary, but comforting. Loving a girl like me who needs reassurance will never be a chore, because every day you do, is a day that my heart for you grows and can be shown with no barriers of fear. 

It’s taking me a long time that being hurt and learning to love is the beauty of being human, but it doesn’t mean it isn’t scary. I will always be honest with you, and being vulnerable will come with time. The more you give to me, the more I will be able to share with you.

I have found happiness within you, and it’s time I let go of the parts of me that hurt me- that hurt my possibility of happiness and let them heal. I know that healing takes time, but in that time of healing, I will become the person I have meant to be all along. 

Loving a girl who needs reassurance isn’t a chore, it’s a journey. It’s a journey of self-love and the birth of confidence, it is the forming of a team all along. Hemingway wrote that we are all broken, and that’s how the light gets in. With your support and reassurance I will know that it’s okay pieces of me are broken, that it’s okay to let your light in, and in those spaces, I too will fill you with light. 

Never date someone with a soft heart

Never date someone with a soft heart because they are not sure how to love halfway. They will not play it cool with you. They will not wait an hour to answer your texts. They will express their feelings without restraint. They will compliment you and ask you over to their place — and at first, you don't know how to handle such straightforward affection because you are used to messy mixed signals.

Never date someone with a soft heart because you will have to put in effort in order to keep them. You will have to reorganize your priorities to place them at the top. You will have to make a commitment to them because they are not interested in summer flings or almost relationships
that never become the real thing.

Never date someone with a soft heart because they are going to make you wonder whether you wasted half of your life. You are going to realize the relationships you were apart of in the past were nothing compared to this new love you have discovered. You are going to decide that you never knew what intimacy was, not really until you met them.

Never date someone with a soft heart because they will challenge you to look at yourself in a new light. You will have to stop acting so pessimistic. You will have to stop considering yourself unworthy of love. You will have to rethink your worldview because your person will not let you continue thinking so low of yourself. They will encourage you to practice self-care and self-love. They will not stop until you see yourself the way they have always seen you.

Never date someone with a soft heart because they will get glued to your mind. You will not be able to stop thinking about them. They will become the highlight of your day. You will look forward to every second spent with them. You will miss them after only spending minutes apart.

Never date someone with a soft heart because they are not going to give up on you easily. They are fighters. If you hurt them, they will want to understand why. If you have a disagreement, they will want to come to a compromise. They will not want to let you go after one small inconvenience. They will want to hold onto you — as long as you are worth it.

Never date someone with a soft heart because they will not be forgotten easily. It will be difficult for you to walk away from them. You will grow attached quickly because they will treat you differently than anyone else has before.

Never date someone with a soft heart because they are going to change your entire world. They will inspire you to become a better person, just by spending time with you. You will end up working harder in the hopes of accomplishing as much as they do in a day. You will end up pushing yourself further than you believed you were capable of reaching.

Never date someone with a soft heart — unless you are ready to commit. Unless you are ready to love without abandon. Unless you are ready to put all of your efforts into the most thrilling relationship of your life.