Sometimes it is necessary to be ALONE. and that is not bad.

Sometimes it’s okay if you don’t have all the answers and you want to look for them alone. It’s okay if you don’t want anyone else to disturb your voice. It’s okay if you want to take a different road and get lost by yourself instead of asking for directions to a place you don’t really want to go to. Sometimes you just have to be by yourself when people drain you more than inspire you. When they judge you more than understand you. When they make you feel even more alone.

Sometimes it’s okay if you’ve been alone for a long time and you still want to be alone because you were never the kind of person who looks for quantity over quality or the kind of person who needs just anyone around. You’ve always looked for depth, honesty, compassion and strength. You’ve always looked for people who don’t come around very often. You’ve always been drawn to people who aren’t everyone’s cup of tea. You’ve always been moved by people you only meet once in a lifetime and that’s why you keep finding yourself alone because these are not the people who are going to make the road easier for you because they’re also on a journey to find themselves and on a mission to change the world.

Sometimes it’s okay to face your own fears and learn everything about yourself including the hard things, the things you’re not proud of, the unflattering truths that you hide from everyone. Sometimes you need to face and forgive yourself. You need to look in the mirror and say even if you can’t get one single thing right, I’ll still love you and accept you because I’m stuck with you forever.

Sometimes you just have to break your own heart when you realize that you’ve had enough and you’ve cared more and loved unconditionally and gave your heart to people who didn’t deserve and now it’s time to find yourself again. Now it’s time to take the pieces of yourself back, polish them and start over. Now it’s time to remember who you were before you invested every little part of you in someone else and lost your worth. 

Sometimes it’s just okay to let yourself be who you really want to be and in order to do that you need to step away from everyone who is asking you to be someone you’re not and everyone who keeps telling you what to say or what to do and everyone who doesn’t know what you’re going through but gives you unsolicited advice.

Sometimes you need to be alone so you can find God, hear him, ask him for direction, ask him for guidance or closure, ask him forgiveness and ask him for love. Sometimes you need to be alone with the universe so you can learn how to be your own universe when people fail to give meaning to your life because as long as you keep searching for meaning in the universe and as long as you keep searching for answers within yourself, you will surely find them

I am Healing...

No, I dont write this in hoping that you will be back.

I have reach my realization that you are not coming back. Not now, not latter, not ever. Even somewhere inside my mind i wish you would. I wish there is a 0.1 to 0.9999999999... % that you would coming back. But even the number is small.. its infinity. 

That is why i keep a small space on the corner on my heart for you. I know it probably useless. I know that space will be empty forever. Rusted and fill with dust. Broken and dark...

I loved once before And i sure do will love again somehow in the future.. But i can tell that wouldn’t be the same as you.

You will always be that something that my Soul love the most.

For the first time in my life i recognizes the soul love. Not the heart, not the mind... It’s the soul...

And i know this is painful, and i know that i am torture my self by keep thinking about you. Because no matter how hard i tried, the pain that keep you inside my head won’t go. And I don’t blame you for that. I blame my self. Because no matter what i do about it.. it won’t just go away

I know that you asked me to stop and I do wish the feeling left when the person does... But i never wish that i never met you. Because you still the most beautiful things i have ever seen.

And this is the longest broken heart i have

And maybe this will never heal.

And in might have to deal with it for the longest time of my life

And i need to be okay with that.

10 Things That Happen When You Fall In Love With Your Friend With Benefits - and it is NOT a good idea.

1. You overcompensate by acting like you don’t care. You tell him that you are perfectly fine with your arrangement because you’re worried he will end things if you hint at how much you like him. You try to act casual. You try to act emotionless. You try to act like being just a friend isn’t killing you inside.

2. You subtly push your boundaries. Once in a while, you will casually reach over to grab his hand or run your hand through his hair. You will ask him about something personal or buy him a piece of candy he mentioned to you when you first met. You will try to make him think of you as girlfriend material without being too obvious about it.

3. You will overanalyze every little move he makes. When he texts you earlier than usual, you will wonder if it constitutes as a morning text and whether that means he is falling for you, too. You will keep your eyes open for signs that he is changing the way he feels about you. You will swear it’s only a matter of time until he decides he would rather date than continue this FWB business, because you cannot believe your feelings are one-sided. You’re sure he must feel something too.

4. You overthink every little move you make. You don’t want to push him too hard or come on too strong. But you don’t want to miss out on opportunities with him either. That’s why you’re careful about how many times you text him first and how happy you look when you get to spend time with him on the weekend.

5. You lie to your friends about him. Some of the things he has done would make him look bad and you don’t want them to hate him just in case you start dating him sometime in the future. That’s why you leave certain things out of your stories. You keep the bad memories to yourself and cry when no one else is looking.

6. You become paranoid. Every girl you see turns into your competition because there must be a reason why he isn’t dating you yet. Maybe it’s because he likes another girl. Maybe it’s because there is someone else in his life he is waiting to have. Maybe it’s because you are only the backup plan.

7. You stop looking at your other options, you stop calling yourself single. Even though you are ‘technically’ allowed to see other people, you would never dream of kissing anybody else. He is the only guy you want.

8. You try too hard. and this one is the KILLING! You dress up every time you see him. You shave every inch of your body. You laugh at his stupid jokes. You spend hours hoping to impress him.

9. You end up hating yourself. You question why you were good enough to sleep with him but not good enough to date him. You wonder where you went wrong and whether you ever could have changed his mind. You hate yourself for losing him because you never wanted anything as much as you wanted him.

10. You end up hating him. You hate him for being so nice to you. You hate him for being so cute. You hate him for leading you on. Even though he technically said he wasn’t interested in a relationship, he misled you with his actions. He made you think he was eventually going to change his mind. And you hate him for that

Black Swan Diaries...I am in love with the idea of falling in love.

Maybe I look past red flags when they are waving directly in front of my face because I am in love with the idea of falling in love. Maybe I distribute second chances like candy because I’m terrified of being left alone again. Maybe I put other people on pedestals because it’s easier to love another than to learn how to love myself.

Maybe I have been settling for the wrong people because I have been overeager to enter a relationship. Maybe I call myself confident but have a lower self-worth than I would ever admit. Maybe I cling onto people who are toxic because the thought of anyone having feelings for me is exciting enough to convince me to want them.

Maybe I need to raise my standards considering I call it cute when someone texts me first or likes one of my photos online, because to me, the minimum amount of effort feels like the maximum amount. Maybe I should hold out for someone who goes the extra mile by planning dates a week prior and surprising me with my favorite ice coffee when he stops over for a few hours instead of settling for the first person who offers a smile.

Maybe I have been chasing after the wrong people because I was under the impression that love is supposed to be difficult, that modern dating and mixed signals were meant to go hand-in-hand. Maybe I have a twisted view of what it means to be someone’s girlfriend because I have grown accustomed to being a backup plan, an almost, a not-enough. Maybe my expectations are much lower than they should be because I have a history of pursuing toxic people and have never been treated with the kindness I deserve.

Maybe I have had my heart broken so many times because I refused to see situations clearly. Maybe I have pretended relationships were better than the reality because I wanted to feel loved, because I wanted to feel accomplished, because I wanted to feel like I had found my person and could stop looking. Maybe I forced myself to love certain people instead of falling in love naturally.

Maybe I should be more careful about who I allow into my world to avoid getting led on once more. Maybe I should listen to what my head is saying instead of ignoring it and blindly following my heart. Maybe I should reevaluate what I want from a relationship because I have clearly been searching for the wrong things lately. Maybe I should take a step back and give myself the chance to breathe before jumping headfirst into a new love story.

Maybe I am not picky enough and that is the reason why I keep getting my heart shredded. Maybe I should remain guarded until I find someone who actually wants to see me with my walls down. Maybe I should hold off on dating for a while. Maybe, in this moment, the only person I need is myself.

I think, I Can Never Stop Being ‘The Nice Girl’

I have a habit of caring about other people more than they care about me, and actually i dont expect they do. i expecting nothing in return. that is why I have been guilty of sacrificing time and energy for loved ones who took my kindness for granted. There have been a million times when I wished I was tougher, when I thought life would be easier if my selflessness turned to selfishness.

Despite the problems my soft heart has given me, I will never stop being the nice girl. The girl who speaks from the soul. The girl who goes out of her way for loved ones. The girl who cares about everything and everyone.

I could never be the girl who doesn’t give a shit — and I am finally okay with that. I am okay with how loudly I love. I am okay with how vulnerable I allow myself to act in front of strangers. I am okay with giving affection that may never be returned.

I am not the problem. The people who abuse my kindness are the problem — and I am not going to allow them to change me. I am not going to become cold and heartless out of fear of getting hurt again.

I am optimistic. I see the best in people. I want to believe this world is a beautiful place. My positivity might cause me to get trampled upon from time to time, but it could be worse.

Personally, I think it would be worse to hate everyone, to complain constantly, and to only focus on myself. I wouldn’t want to live a life of isolation like that. I want to give. I want to share. I want to spread happiness because most people need that. They need a smile from a stranger. They need a compliment from a friend. They need assurance from a loved one.

I might come across as clingy or desperate or overly dependent but I do not care about that anymore. I would rather risk coming on too strong than risk having someone feel unloved and unappreciated because I kept my kindness to myself.

I know that some people find authenticity overwhelming, but I find it attractive. I would rather have someone text me twice in a row than leave me on read for a full week. I would rather have someone ask me to hang out over the weekend than to act like they are too busy to see me. I would rather pursue someone who shows interest than someone who shows their main priority is themselves.

I am no longer going to feel ashamed of my vulnerability. I am going to embrace my emotions, even if that means enduring more pain.

I will never stop being the nice girl, no matter how many times I end up in one-sided relationships and have my heart broken.

I will never stop being the nice girl, even when society tries to pressure me to keep my emotions to myself. I will never stop being the nice girl, because I am proud of who I am. 

My cat died, and it affected me as much as losing my Person.. even worst.

The grief felt after the loss of a pet can be every bit as painful as that following the death of a human, so why don’t we take it seriously

I could not stop crying. I was not prepared for the cavernous depth of my grief

She's a sweet little cat that always be in my heart. i have severals pet before, but none of them hold a special place like chaca, she knew when i was sad, or sick, or in pain due to my kidney condition, everytime i am back from amsterdam, there she was, jumping on my lap and sleep there.

THIS IS THE FIST TIME I EXPERIENCE THIS KIND OF EVENT. 

losing my pet is both surprising and painful.

In truth, the pain of losing this small, animal, who’d been part of my life, was every bit as intense as that of losing my sister back in 2007.

Now, that’s a controversial thing to say, I know. And to begin with, I was wracked with guilt for even thinking such a thing. And yet, it’s true. When you tell people this, many of them tend to think you’re heartless, disrespectful or just plain nuts. After all, how can you possibly compare the death of a pet – a mere animal – to the death of a loved one? Well, quite easily as it happens, because the animal in question was a loved one too.

The more I asked around, the more I discovered I wasn’t alone in having these slightly taboo feelings.

when chacha was a newborn.

one of my closest pals confided, telling me that the only difference was that the pain didn’t last as long and that in a few weeks I’d start to feel better, in contrast to when you lose a closest human where the grief seems never-ending.

I’ve heard it said that the point of keeping pets as children is to allow us to learn what it feels like to lose someone we really love, but pet bereavement isn’t some kind of rehearsal for the ‘real thing’ – it is the real thing and I reckon it’s about time we recognise the value, depth and integrity of many people’s relationships with their pets, and the veracity of their bereavement.

Certainly, now you’ll know that the bond between animal and human can be as close, if not closer, than between humans.

Dating me is a mistake

Dating me is a mistake because I am not used to committed relationships. I am used to being strung along for months and then tossed to the side without a warning. lately, I have no idea how to be a caring, loving girlfriend because I haven’t had any practice anymore. Most guys I have been with expected me to keep my feelings to myself so I learned how to act emotionless. I learned how to turn off the part of me that reaches for hugs and gives unexpected compliments. I can come across as cold even when you mean the world to me.

Dating me is a mistake because I detach easily. I assume people will grow bored of me so I prepare myself for the worst. I tell myself no one is going to stick around for long. I remind myself they are going to walk away eventually, even if they swear they are staying put. I have a hard time accepting happiness. Even when things are going well I will assume it’s only a matter of time until everything erupts. I am a pessimist but I call myself a realist. I feel like anyone who believes in fairy tales and happy endings isn’t living in the real world.

Dating me is a mistake because I have a shit-ton of baggage. No matter how well you treat me, I will find a reason to distrust you. I am a skeptic. I am cynical. I don’t believe in love at first sight or in everlasting marriages. I am the kind of person who laughs at romance movies because I cannot take them seriously.

Dating me is a mistake because I have a short temper. Even though I act like nothing bothers me, I am soft on the inside. I take things personally. If you hurt my feelings then I will cut you out of my world completely. I won’t give you a chance to explain yourself because in my mind I feel like I know exactly why you did what you did. I think I have all the answers, even though I can barely figure myself out.

Dating me is a mistake because I am uncomfortable with affection. I will not know how to respond to your compliments. I will not know how to comfort you when you cry. I will not know what the hell I am doing or why you have chosen to be with me of all people.

Dating me is a mistake because I cannot promise not to hurt you. I probably will hurt you. I will accidentally say the wrong thing. I will go places without even thinking about inviting you. Important dates will slip my mind. I will disappoint you. I will fuck everything up somehow.

Dating me is a mistake because I get scared easily. I will grow afraid that I will ruin the best thing that ever happened to me, but instead of telling you that, I will run away. I probably will hurt you before you have the chance to hurt me.

BREAKING MY JOURNAL part 10 : the ALMOST relationship

We texted back and forth until my phone battery came close to dying. We flirted with each other until all of my friends were asking why the hell we weren’t official yet.

We spent so much time together that you became one of my closest confidants, one of the people who I would have missed even if there was never any sexual tension between us.

You mattered to me. You were an important piece of my existence.

I have to remind myself we never dated, because it feels like we did. It feels like you were my boyfriend.

Maybe it’s my own fault for making assumptions. Assuming you were only interested in me. Assuming your feelings were as gut-wrenchingly strong as mine.

Technically we never official, technically I cannot call you an ex, but my heart is still broken by your absence.

I have screen shotted old conversations between us. I have written about you in diary entries which is i posted on my blogs now. I have photographs saved on my phone.

I know I should release you from my thoughts, but you have been the only thing I cared about for so long. Whenever I stepped into a hot shower or drove down a busy highway, I daydreamed about what I would say when I saw you again. All week, I looked forward to talking to you.

You made me feel alive. You made me feel like there was a point out of this meaningless life.. i hate most of people, but i like you, so its a huge deal for me.

Without you around, I feel like I have lost a piece of myself. The piece that helped me enjoy life, that sent butterflies swarming through my stomach. I haven’t felt okay since you have gone. My laughter has been forced lately. My smiles have been counterfeit.

Even though you were never my official boyfriend, I have been going through all of the steps that a breakup entails. because it hurts the same.

It hurts to know the one person I trusted to stay decided they had better places to travel alone. i never wanted you to stay in one place, what i wanted is you take me along. It hurts to know the moments we shared only mattered from my point of view. It hurts to know you never cared with the same intensity as me, that you never felt the same even when I swore our feelings matched.

We never dated so you probably don’t feel any guilt about leaving me behind. You probably don’t realize how horribly you have hurt me.

But in my mind, it doesn’t matter that there wasn’t an official title representing our relationship. I grew attached to you. I liked you. I might have even loved you.

When you left me alone, I lost more than a friend, more than an almost boyfriend. I lost the hope of future I stupidly assumed we were going to share. 

heartbreak can break their heart, but it won’t break them.

“Are you afraid of being hurt?”

My friend sits down the drink in his hand and looks at me right in the eyes, his own glistening from the lights shining above us.

I laugh, in spite of myself and almost accidentally.

“No, I’m not afraid anymore. Not really of anything, certainly not of being hurt.”

He pauses for a moment.

“Even after everything that’s happened?”

I smile, and start to explain the phenomenon that even I wouldn’t have understood, had you asked me a few years ago.

The one I want to explain to you now.

I know this might sound a little unorthodox, but I don’t fear heartbreak. I don’t fear loss or devastation or rejection or abandonment. Not even a little. Not anymore.

I believe that we’re only afraid of heartbreak because each one that we encounter in life causes a crack in our foundation, and that’s scary. The foundation I am talking about is what makes you, well, you.

It’s your comfort, your confidence, your lifestyle, your sense of self and optimism, it’s everything to you. And each time that someone hurts you they crack a little bit away at it. They make it feel more unstable, and they send friction into the grounds of its base.

So the next time you start to open up your heart to vulnerability again, you’re a little more hesitant and fearful because you’re not sure what will happen if you get another one of those cracks. The future safety of your foundation is completely unknown, and you don’t know if the next crack will be the one you’re not able to recover from. So you’re scared.

Fear almost always springs from what we consider to be the unknown.

But I, like many people reading this, have had way too many foundation cracks throughout the course of my life.

And recently, I’ve had the whole freaking building come down like a wrecking ball had crashed into it.

I’ve experienced a demolition of my entire foundation.

Like, the building was totally gone people. It wasn’t just cracked…it was leveled.

And I had to build it all the way back up. Brick by brick, struggle by struggle, I brought it back to life. And I’m still here, standing like a queen on the castle I built myself.

So, no, I’m not afraid of anybody or anything hurting me. Because I know that even if they do, in the end, they don’t stand a chance. I can handle it.

“Try me. Go for it. Drag me through the dirt. Send me into the fire. You won’t break me.”

my last heartbreak was hell enough, i dont think it can go more Wicked than that. 

Here’s the thing about people who know struggle and heartbreak, they aren’t surprised anymore by the harsh realities of life. And if those fears no longer exist in the unknown, then they aren’t scary.

These people think, “What more is there to fear? What are you (or life in general for that matter) going to do to me that hasn’t already been done?”

Abandon me? Check.

Let me down? Check.

Hurt me? Check.

Kick me out into the cold? Check.

Die? Leave? Turn into a different person? Check, check, check.

Been there, done that. Had to move on each time, new cities, new people, new dreams, new perspective, new trials, NEW HAIR, new everything.

They are not afraid of losing anything. Because they’ve seen so much loss, and know they’re still here. They know it’s possible to overcome the impossible. They know they can handle it.

People that know pain are a friend to it. They know it isn’t a mysterious thief in the night, it’s a companion that will ride beside you forever, whether you like it or not, and that’s OK.

Now, those who know heartbreak can still engage in every opportunity to feel exhilarating and honest vulnerability, because they should. They can still feel fully. They aren’t numb or senseless or lacking in human regard for terrifying situations.

They just know that heartbreak can break their heart, but it won’t break them.

They know the darkest depths that love can take a person. So if they decide to love you, if they open their heart to you, they know the risk they’re taking.

And they take it anyway.

Because people who know heartbreak also know that no pain in this world should keep you from love; romantic love, love of a place, love of a passion, love of friends and family, and more importantly, love of one’s self.

If you let that happen, then every disappointment, betrayal, and devastation wins. They take from you the only thing that makes every obstacle in this life worth it.

And those that have been battered, broken and abandoned will be DAMNED if they let that happen.

Are they cautious about who they let in? For sure.

Do they have long patches of time after heartbreak where they have zero interest in seeking a redeeming human connection? Yeah, probably.

But are they scared?

Hell not anymore.

Not even a little.

my friend pause, and then he start to asked me again... “I see. So, what would you say to someone who wants to try to be a part of your life now?”

“The same thing I would always say.”

I take a sip of the glass of cabernet sitting in front of me. imagine the wall i build around my heart and smiles..

“Good luck.” 

BREAKING MY JOURNAL part 9: Maybe, closure means knowing that it’s time to move on

There was always a piece of me that assumed you would come back. I didn’t think our story had come to an end. Not officially.

when we stopped talking, I thought you were going to leave for a little while and then come bursting back into my world. I have been waiting for your return. I expected us to pick up right where we left off.

But that hasn’t happened yet.

I’m not going to pretend I have no idea where you have gone. i have this idea on my head that you already with someone new. I know you are not coming back this time.

I probably shouldn’t be surprised that you are finished with me, but I am having trouble dealing with the news. 

I’m not sure how I am supposed to get closure. It’s not like I can text you and confront you about how you led me on. We haven’t even spoken in ages.

Besides, there is no reason for you to apologize to me. You didn’t owe me anything. You never claimed you were coming back. I just assumed you were going to return.

I assumed you weren’t ready for a serious relationship yet and that’s why we kept going back and forth, coming close to dating and then pulling apart again. I assumed if you ever settled down, it would be with me... because i feel so much intense feelings with you that i never had before and i doubt i will ever again.

I never considered that you were ready for a relationship all along, but you just didn’t want one with me. I never would have guessed that our feelings were mismatched. It seemed like you were as crazy about me as I was about you, but I must have read your signals wrong.

I feel foolish for dedicating so much time to you. Even when you were gone, you were the only thought filling my head. I turned other people down because I thought I had a chance with you. I stayed single because I wanted to be available when you walked back into my world.

That was my mistake. I shouldn’t have assumed you were interested in me. A long time ago, I should have decided I deserved better — because if you left me behind once before, then you would always be ready to do it again. 

It sucks to know you are never coming back, but it beats waiting for a day that is never going to arrive. It’s better than sitting here, staring at my phone and assuming it’s going to flash with your name.

Maybe, for me, closure means knowing that it’s time to move on, knowing that there is no sense in waiting anymore.