The Ugly Truth about Letting Go

16th May 2018

Back when we were trapped inside our almost relationship that should have became something but never did, I hated your mixed signals. I wished you would have been straightforward with me so I didn’t have to pull answers out of you. I hated waiting for your texts. Waiting for you making schedule to come over. Waiting for attention. Waiting for you to like me back.

But now that you’re gone, I miss everything about you. Even the mixed signals.

I miss the nights when I sat cross-legged on the bed, phone plugged into the wall, my fingers tapping out messages to you. I miss the nerves that shot through my veins whenever you took too long to answer me and I was stuck wondering whether I screwed up, whether I said something too flirtatious or too sarcastic or too boring.

I miss the anticipation of wondering whether you were going to pay attention to me on any given day or whether you were going to leave me disappointed. I miss the drumbeat in my stomach, warning me not to grow too attached to you even though I knew it was already too late, I was already smitten.

I miss your mixed signals because I miss having something to be excited about, something to look forward to throughout the entire week. I miss the feeling of my heart beating hard inside my throat. I miss the uncertainty of whether you would flirt back with me — because whenever you did, my day was made. Whenever you did, I felt like all of the stress had been worth it, just for that moment with you.

I miss feeling. I miss when this numbness, this antiseptic on my heart, was eclipsed by emotion. I miss the highs and the lows because they made me feel alive. Back when we were together — if that’s even the right word — each breath felt like I was gulping down air and now those same breaths feel like I’m sipping in static. Like I’m just going through the motions. Like I am existing instead of erupting.

I miss having something, someone, to care about more than myself. I miss the irrationality of my feelings. I miss the intensity of small actions like holding your hand or hugging your waist or smelling the scent of your cologne.

I miss you. I miss the way you kept me guessing. I miss how I could never tell exactly what was running through your mind. I miss being surprised. Everything you said was unexpected. No words were pre-planned. You were spontaneous. You were shocking. You were different in a world overflowing with same.

I miss memories that I have no business missing. Toxic ones. Ones where you Ignoring me, made me cry, made me complain, made me secretly hate myself. I shouldn’t miss those moments but I do because I must have really liked you to have those kind of reactions.

I miss your missed signals because at least they were something. 

They were better than this silence. This absence. This hole that you have drilled into my concrete heart.

Breaking My Journal Part 8 : The things I DO NOT UNDERSTAND

I don’t understand why you walked away after everything I have done for you. 

You had it good with me. You were never expected to lift a finger. You were able to have fun with your friends.

You cut me out of your world even though I made your world easier. Even though I showered you with affection. I kept giving and giving until I had nothing left inside of me.

It sucks to know I wasted so much time and energy on you when you were going to leave anyway.

But I think the reason I’m so angry about what happened is because deep down I know I should have been the one who walked away. I should have left you because you were toxic..

I felt like we could be a Greatest Story meant we should stay together, we should try to sort things out, we should fix our problems instead of run away from them.

But you finally decided to do what I had been too chicken to do. You left me. And you don’t seem sorry at all. You don’t seem like you regret your decision or like you are worried about how I am going to live without you. You seem perfectly fine. doesn’t make a difference to you.

I don’t know why you cut me out of your world when I was the one who was being mistreated the entire time, but as soon as I get passed this sting of rejection, I am going to be happy about my newfound freedom. As much as I hate to admit it, you did the right thing, because maybe we never belonged together. Maybe You belong far, far away from me.

You will never regret us - How it feels like to love someone with anxiety

For any guy who thinks he's falling for a girl who tends to be a little on the anxious side, just know that it's going to be different than any girl you've loved before. She is going to be a little, or a lot, guarded. She'll scare easier. She's going to have a hard time trusting you, but it doesn't mean she doesn't and she will care more, and pay attention more.

She'll come off as confident and resilient, the type of person who knows how to get what she wants. She wants everyone to think she's strong, but don't be fooled so easily. When she realizes you can see through the show she puts on, it'll scare her. 

The first time she breaks down and shows you what's really going on inside her head, it's going to be confusing. It's going to be so different from the side of her that you've seen before, and it's going to catch you off guard. and when this time come, when she open up to you, means that she trusted you know with all her cards, please dont take it lightly.

If you choose to stick around, it won't always be easy. As badly as I know you're going to want to, you can't just swoop in and save her from her past. She's been through a lot and it has affected her in ways you'll never be able to understand. You're going to try to kiss away her pain and her scars and all of her bad memories, but there will be times when you crawl into bed with her at 2 am after a long night and she's going to be in another world. No matter how hard you try, you won't be able to reach her, and that's okay. Sometimes she'll do that. She's just scared that if she explains what's going on in her head, all her doubts and fears, that you'll run away just like the guys before you did.

The best thing you can do in the world, is to make her feel safe. When she's quiet, wrap your arms around her. When she's so stressed out that she can't form sentences correctly and those little worry lines form on her forehead, kiss her on the top of the head and tell her that you're there for her. Tell her that you understand, that she doesn't need to explain herself, and that it's going to be okay. You'd be surprised by how much she really needs to hear those words, and hearing them from you will make a world of difference. 

I know it's gonna be hard to love her, but I can promise you one thing. If you stick around, if you learn to love her little freak out moments about things that seem incredibly inconsequential, if you let her be herself and you learn how to handle her incessant worrying; it will change your life. Yes, she'll teach you patience and kindness like you've never known. But once she knows that she can trust you, she'll show you a kind of love and understanding like you've never seen, and will likely never see again. When you break down her walls, she will do the same for you. You'll never have to explain yourself to her, and she will always be your #1 fan.

So although I know it may not seem worth it when she's crying and you can't do anything to help, or when she's been freaking out for four hours over something that makes no sense to you, but I can promise you that loving a girl with anxiety will change your world and makes you wanna be for the better. 

I CUT YOU!

Cut out the people who acted like they care about you and then turn around and treat you like shit. The people who use I addicted to you as an excuse for putting relationship only on their term without thinking about what you being. 

Cut out the people who clearly only care about themselves. The people who will only remember your existence when it is convenient for them. The people who will cancel plans with you at the last second when a better offer comes along. The people who will throw you under the bus to save themselves.

The people who will leave certain details out of their stories to WIN arguments. The people who will pick and choose which facts to tell you to make themselves look better.

The people who ignore you for days at a time. The people who make mean talk about you and then act like you are a complete clingy bitch when you say something back to them. 

Cut out the people who are living in a fantasy world where they are perfect and the rest of the universe is flawed. The people who are incapable of apologizing.

Cut out the people who make you feel like you are slowly going insane. The people who turn every situation around to make you look like the bad guy when you haven’t done a single thing wrong but love them.

The people who accuse you of overreacting whenever you get upset with them. The people who never want to hear how you are feeling. The people that posibly walk out of the room when you are crying because they could not care less. 

Cut out the people who make your world more stressful than it needs to be, because you do not have time for their toxicity.

BREAKING MY JOURNAL part 7: What is NOT mean to be

I had always wondered. Wondered if we were meant to be. But I didn’t get the chance to find out because you left. I cared so much about you but I was just easily forgotten. A memory not worth recalling.

I still wondered about you. About how you were doing. I wondered if you ever thought about me. If there was a song that came on the radio and made your thoughts automatically drift to me. I wondered if you ever missed me. If you ever compared your date to me. Because I did to you. Even if I shouldn’t have.

I always wondered if I would get the chance to ask you these questions. 

i hated your fear of commitment and your habit of sabotaging what could be without giving me fighting chances. and left.. just like that.

maybe You’re just scared  or You don’t know what it is to love another human being. I don’t hate you. I don’t resent you. I’d actually like to thank you. Thank you for putting to rest my constant wondering. I can finally forget about you and move on. Thank you. 

BREAKING MY JOURNAL Part 6: 3AM - a conversation with the gosh of you

may 2018

There’s a stabbing feeling in my chest that forces me to wake up at three in the morning. This isn’t a dream nor a nightmare I’m waking up from; This right here, is a relapse.

I slid my hand underneath the pillow looking for my phone, afraid and anticipating someone did remember to say goodnight or at least a very early good morning text. But there’s always a part of me that wants to see one name and one name only to appear… and that’s yours.

No one did.

I wish you did,

But you probably shouldn’t.

I lie down again to what feels like a wide-awake eternity of the devil’s hour as a thousand of things fill my head to the brim. I find myself helpless by the mere thought of you and wonder if you’re out there thinking of me about me too. 

I don’t want to know the answer to that. I’d rather force myself to sleep than go back and forth searching for answers that I’m not even ready for.

All the memories came rushing back, a combination of feelings that I thought that are long gone or at least should’ve subsided by now. There is no fix for this. Sleep can’t save me now.

One by one, the series of 3 AM wind backward from the very beginning…

It’s 3 AM.

i remember after the first date, we were to caught out to our conversation and we lose track of time, we talked about movies, and i can not stop talking... we listen to the song, that famous song, that you never heard before... we laugh about that funny drunk guy, and then we walked to the South, there is no more tram and we passed that famouse sign, you help me climb it, to the first letter of your first name. there is no one, its a silent, just a winter bliss, and us.  

It’s 3 AM.

Do you remember? We’d stay up all night exchanging stories in the hotel room on november and discussing about the most trivial of things.. there is a series of questions cards you brought from your work, and we answer all the questions. It was in those moments that I found your voice to be the most comforting sound in the world. But now, even the slightest “Hello” from you… hurts me to my very core. because it was just inside my head, echoing.

It’s 3 AM.

it's 3 AM, the end of March... I am terrified. I’m not sure if you can tell but I could definitely feel that death was coming for us. the snow has melt down, but your heart turn cold... It was something I’ve known but never had the courage to tell you. Down to the very end, I still fought for us. I still chose you. But it was too late to save anything from what’s left. You were convinced, we had no chance to survive. And although there was still love in you, I kind of knew it was no longer meant for me.

It’s 3 AM.

The flashback ends here.

Darkness fleeted slowly.

It’s not the demons that come to life that scares me, but the ghost of you that still haunt me today.

If you’re out there, please spare me...

BREAKING MY JOURNAL part 5: I No Longer Exist To You

april 2018

I can’t stand the fact that I no longer seem to exist to you. I used to be one of the person that made you laugh, made you smile, made your face light up like a Christmas Tree on December Christmas Market in Köln.

I have an overwhelming hope that one day you might come back to me, I have a hope that you miss me as I miss you. I look for signs in your face, in the way you greet me, with smiles, without the anger anymore, in the way you don’t look at me.

I don’t want to miss you any longer. I just want to be free of the ghost of you, lingering in my thoughts, the memory of your hand in mine, your lips against my skin.

More than that, I miss my best friend.

I remember thinking way in the beginning, before any of this, that I don’t want to develop feelings for you, i swear i dont want to.. because I had finally found a friend that just accepted me for me.

We all know how that turned out.

It was months and months of back and forth, over and under, topsy-turvy, bittersweet love.

The idea of talking to you just being a reach away when I wanted to cause harm was enough to ease the ache.In the darkness, you became a spark of light, a beacon of hope, unknowingly you became my lighthouse when I was drifting at sea.

but now, you are the darkness..

and for all the sake of all the love and pain. i forgive you..

Maybe you’re wondering how I was able to forgive you so easily.

Maybe you don’t actually care.

It wasn’t easy. It was quite the opposite.

I will be the first to freely admit to you that I hated you with every fiber in my being. I wanted to destroy your life, I wanted to rip your hope away like you did mine. I wanted to break your heart into so many smithereens that it could never be put back together again.

I chose forgiveness for the mere fact that you had saved my life, more than once. and you never did once put me on the bullshit lie, it is not your totall fault, dispite from all your mixes signal. i am the one who choose to stay.

I’m sorry I didn’t walk away in the beginning. By my doing that, I would’ve saved a lot of people from a lot of pain.

But I don’t think it was possible. You and I were obsessed, addicted and besotted with each other from the first time we started talking more.

I had all and then most of you, some and now none of you.

I don’t know what I’m supposed to do, haunted by the ghost of you.

A song I listen to when it hurts the most.

Lives go on, everything is spinning around me except for you. You stand still in my vision, you are all I see and all I want to see.

I am not what you want to see.

I am just a nobody to you now.

I no longer exist to you.

a stranger.

Your feeling was wipe by the snow..

oh that WINTER is over
We'll wonder what to do
We'll finish our last nights in your car
Just like we always do.

I'll hold you closer and tell you I love you
but it won't matter in the end
It's obvious you're leaving soon
just another heart to mend

So what happens once you lose control?
When the future has to start
What happens when you're still in love
but time rips you apart.

Is there ever an answer
for when love is not enough?
When the world must move on
Who decided that I'd be that tough.

The day before those dreaded goodbyes
and kisses concealing the night,
I lie in bed motionless
Hoping somehow my life will be alright

It's raining as we close our eyes
Knowing soon i must let go
and love another with my life...
But with time as my enemy,
 now I'll never know.

The end proves I can't do this
alone....

BREAKING MY JOUNAL part 4: Everything I Think About You 🌙

Note : this post are written on April 2018.

You have a power over me I didn’t know existed, and I’m not sure how I feel about that. Is that love? When I’m willing to do the scariest things for you? I feel like I’m trapped under a boulder and I can only move when you give me some slack, which you never do. 

I thought this was supposed to be a two-way street, but you come and go as you please. I ask myself why you keep doing this to me, but it’s my fault, isn’t it? I’M the one who lets you back inside of me, and you consume every.last.drop. when you make it clear you aren't here to stay.

you never lied.
i did... 
at least to my self...
all the What if... and Someday...
all that mind manipulation.
its not you... 
it was me..

If only you knew how much I long to taste you at night...

I need to hear your heartbeat against the small of my back. When you press into me, I was convinced we are one, a part of the same universe. The second your touch is gone, though, I’ve never felt so frigid and alone.

I tell myself I’ll get used to it, but when I feel myself becoming my own soul again, you walk inside my head and shred me to pieces. How do you do that?

 I’ve lost track of how many times I’ve died and come back to life in the presence of the thought you. but, I think it’s okay because memories of you make me whole again, somehow..

BREAKING MY JOURNAL part 3: I Don’t Know Why You Still Run Through My Mind As Much As You Do

written on April 2018.

I don’t know why you still run through my mind as much as you do. I would love to tell myself that it only happens in fleeting moments, or in times when my mind is idle, but I was raised on honesty, and that would make me a liar. You run through my mind at 2 in the afternoon just as much as you did at 2am when I was laying in your arms. Just as much as you did on Saturday mornings.. Just as much as you did when you cuddled me at night on November when it is cold outside, all night, when our chests pressed into each other. Just as much as you did the very first morning when you woke up in my bed; unfamiliar yet so familiar at the same time, the kisses down my back felt as light as I did when I first woke up… free, unrestricted.

If I knew that back kisses would turn to a bittersweet ending, I almost think I would have called you an Uber myself in the middle of the night instead of invited you crash over and saved myself the heart ache.

the think is you mistaken, the need of your warm with the need of you... you put your own cage around you and blame me for feelings uneasy. when i told you i don't need anything elses, just you, i meant it.

You were my second heartbreak, a pain that I would never wish on someone once, much less twice. I know there are people who have lived through much more and I find myself questioning the source of their strength. I have almost been driven to the point of never wanting to love someone more than they love me again. To never settle for convenience and ease again. Even when it feels like the best convenience and ease in the whole entire world

They say that you have to be careful with matters of the heart – because the depth of your love today is the depth of your wound tomorrow.

But in the midst of the pain, I also think about December. the christmas light, the puppy doll... and then I think about today. I think about right now. I would love to say that I think about you less, but I don’t… I just think about you differently.