One day you’re gonna meet someone who simply feels like home.

There’s gonna be one person who breaks through every wall you have and you’re left with these raw emotions you didn’t even know you were capable of feeling.

And you’re gonna look at them knowing well they aren’t perfect. But regardless of that, your flaws complement each other in a way that it all makes sense.

You’ll talk about dreams and ambitions like you haven’t before. You’ll talk about disappointments and fears you didn’t even know of.

You talk about insecurities and mistakes and there before you is someone who doesn’t judge you for any of it.

You find yourself remembering every little detail. From the first time you met and the first words they said.

And it surprises you because we go through motions in life seeing so many faces and having so many interactions but somehow you remember every detail of this one.

One day you’re gonna meet someone who simply feels like home.

One day you’re gonna meet someone who you don’t just want to spend the night with but who you look forward to waking up and sharing your morning with.

This person is different because there is gonna be one person that is able to break through the bullshit you sell to the world.

They look you in the eyes and know when you’re lying.
They look you in the eyes and know what you are thinking and feeling before you even say.
it feels like they can read your expression without even trying.
You don't have to explain yourself
You don't have to hide your mind

There’s a connection there you’ll never understand. But you’ll just be happy you met someone who can share in that.

And they’ll let you into their world, too.

This is scary but I am learning....

I’m slowly learning that it’s okay to believe again. It’s okay to believe that someone finds you adorable and special. It’s okay to believe the sweet words someone tells you instead of trying to find the lies in their words. It’s okay to believe that someone wants you the same way you want them. I’m slowly learning that history doesn’t always repeat itself. That love doesn’t always mean tears, heartbreak and rejection. That for once, a happy ending is right around the corner.

I’m slowly learning that it’s okay to trust again. Trust that you can be enough for someone and they won’t have to look away. Trust that you don’t have to compete for their love and affection because they already know your worth. They already know your value. Trust that sometimes they’re the ones afraid of losing you. Trust that sometimes your biggest fears are theirs too. I’m slowly learning that trust doesn’t always have to be broken and that every now and then a person can promise you the world and actually gives it to you.

I’m slowly learning that it’s okay to be happy again. It’s okay to let the happiness linger and the butterflies in your stomach dance. It’s okay to enjoy being happy without wondering when it will fade away or how long it will last. It’s okay to believe that it could last, that it’s not that elusive dream you’ve been chasing anymore. It’s okay to believe that happiness found you and it wants to stick around this time.

I’m slowly learning that it’s okay to love again without thinking about how or when it will end. I’m slowly learning that it’s okay to believe in love one more time without trying to protect my heart from being broken. It’s okay to trust again that someone can truly love you and stay with you every time you think they’re going to leave. I’m slowly learning that sometimes love stays and it exceeds all your expectations. 

A Thank You Letter To The Man Who Found Me When I Was Broken

I never thought of myself as worthy of love. I wasn’t sure when you came along that I was capable of receiving love, let alone giving it out in return.

When you found me I was already withered away into a shell of who I once was. Just a frail, single teenage mother trying to pick up all the pieces that were recently broken. I was told, “There’s something wrong with you. ” So thank you for showing me that there is absolutely nothing wrong with me and that even I am worthy of love. Thank you for helping me pick up every single piece of me off the ground.

You were there through almost everything. You pointed out every single flaw of mine and showed me that even those were worth loving. One by one you took down every brick that surrounded my heart. It was the only thing left I had in me because it was where I kept my family, and I couldn’t let anything happen to the very last piece of me. The only way for you to get in was to break my walls down slowly, so thank you for taking the bricks down to make room for more than just one love, because my heart craved you.

When we got in our first argument, I was sure you were going to run for the hills, but you didn’t. You stayed. Even in our arguments, you had love in your voice. That was something very unfamiliar to me. I never thought it was possible to show love through fighting, but I’ve learned that with you, anything is possible.

Thank you for showing me the parts of myself that were hidden. The best parts of me. Thank you for falling in love with all of me, the good parts of me, the ugly parts of me, the flawed parts of me. Thank you for teaching me how to love. I know without a doubt I’m doing it right because I’ve had the best teacher. I wish everyone had someone like you in their life because the world would be a better place if they had more people like you in it.

That Doesn’t Scare Me

There aren’t enough words in the English dictionary or enough combinations thereof to accurately describe the number of feelings that I feel for you.

I’ve always known you were special. I’ve always known that you weren’t just a fling and that our feelings weren’t fleeting in the way that most young love is. 

You have the power to completely obliviate every ounce of happiness I hold in my body and that doesn’t scare me. It doesn’t scare me that you could ruin my entire world, shatter the floor beneath me if you wanted to because I know that you like me in the infinite way I like you.

I see it when you look at me. You look in my eyes as if they were some dark abyss. As if my eyes held the endlessness of space and you smile. You hold my hand and hold it tight as if I might run away or disappear.  You accept my love and breathe it in the way everyone else inhales oxygen. never feel its too much that suffocated you.

What we have doesn’t make sense to most people, they might think its too much too soon, but it’s because I know they haven’t found what you are to me. They haven’t found that one person that makes them feel infinitely happy. I know that finding you this young was a blessing.

I had started to question my faith and the fact that anything good could happen to me and you came along and proved that I had to struggle to get where I am today and it was worth it. 

I fear love

all I think about is death. It's dark, it's empty, but it's nothing.

but at least it's not hurt, it is not painful, it's not leaving you with those aches in your chest and stomach. it doesn't leave you breathless empty like someone punched your throats.

if I have to choose between a peaceful death and painfully living, of course, I would choose peacefully.

I am afraid of living because living means I am going to love again, and I am afraid of loving.

I loved hard and giving all. and I do not regret it a bit. I am not angry that love doesn't work out. I love this love so much I don't even want to love another. I choose not to, I choose to love this love. even when it's hurt.

I fear love. I fear the idea of love, and most importantly I fear that I could love again.

I fear love and it makes me fear of living.

When You Lose Someone Special

We are never ready to set free someone who once made our lives better, or who once made us better We are never truly ready to say goodbye to someone who we thought we still had forever with. We are never ready to part ways with someone we are still in love with, despite how much pain this love has caused us. We are never prepared for death, as we are never prepared to say goodbye to someone for good or to understand the permanence or finality of this goodbye. We are never fully ready to lose our best friend, the one who we thought loved us unconditionally and who we thought would love us forever. We are never really prepared for endings, or for the heartache or grief that follows.

I guess whenever love is involved, we are never really ready to say goodbye.

Because we aren’t ready to wake up in the morning and feel the pang in our chest when we remember that they are no longer in our life. We are never ready to walk the world without them, without their support or their love pushing forward. We are never ready to not be able to casually say their name in a sentence like they can still be talked about in the present tense when really, they are now in the past. We are never ready to face the truth that we can’t call them anymore when we need them, or that we can’t leave a rambling voicemail when we just need to be heard by someone. We are never ready to lose all the love they had for us, especially when we haven’t lost the love we have for them. We are never ready to lose their hug or their warm, comforting hand around ours, or the way they always could reassure us that everything would be okay.

We aren’t ready to be alone.

And as soon as they go, all we can think about is the huge hole they left behind, right in the middle of our hearts. All we can feel is the ache that won’t go away, no matter what we do or no matter how hard we try to comfort ourselves. All we can think about is all of the dreams that we had that are no longer going to happen, at least not with them by our side. All we can think about is how scared we are to take on the world alone, and how deeply sad we feel by their absence.

All we can think about is what we are missing.

But the truth is, we aren’t defined by our losses. We aren’t defined by who left us or who we lost. We aren’t defined by the reasons someone had for leaving us, or by the reasons we never heard. We aren’t defined by the grief we carry with us, long after our person leaves us. We aren’t defined by the numbness we feel, or the tears we cry, long after they are gone. We aren’t defined by the sadness or the heartbreak, and we can’t let our heartaches rule our lives forever. We aren’t defined by our losses.

We can carry our losses with us, we can hold space for the memories of the special relationship we once had. But we can’t let ourselves be defined by our grief. We can’t let ourselves be defined by our heartbreaks. We can miss them, but we can’t lose ourselves when we lose them. We can miss them, but we can’t let our lives be over once they are gone. Because we still have our lives to live. We still have mountains to move and tides to turn. We still have others to love. And we still have so much love to give.

We aren’t defined by our losses. But we are defined by how we choose to continue to live after they are gone. We are defined by how we let their loss impact us, how we let it shape us. What defines us is how we make the world a more beautiful place not in spite of, but because of our losses. What defines us is how we piece back together our broken parts, and turn them into something greater than what we had before.

We loved, and we lost. And our hearts are bigger for it. We’ve lost a piece of ourselves. We’ve lost a world. But we haven’t lost the whole world. And while the sadness and the heartache will consume us for a while, we still have our lives to live. We still have our hearts to share. And we still have such a capacity for love. And while our hearts ache, and while we are consumed by missing them, we can’t let this loss break us. We can’t let it stop us from loving. Because maybe, just maybe, one day we will see that they taught us just how much love we could give. They taught us how strong our hearts could be.

NO MORE MRS. NICE

I am tired of letting others take advantage of my kindness. I am sick of getting my heart broken. I am done giving people the benefit of the doubt. I want to be the heartbreaker for a change.

Instead of giving out second and third chances to people who have already hurt me, I am going to walk away from them before they have the chance to hurt me again.

I am going to detach myself. I am going to stop keeping people around because we have history. I am going to start caring more about my own happiness than the comfort of the toxic people surrounding me.

If I am better off without someone in my world, then they will be removed without any guilt.

I am not going to feel guilty about expecting to be treated with respect.

I am not going to feel guilty about raising my standards after a lifetime of leaving them low.

I am not going to censor myself anymore. I am not going to be nice when I will only get kicked around in return. If someone wants respect from me, then they better give me respect.

I am no longer interested in one-sided relationships. I am not going to be there for you if you are never there for me. I am not going to accept your apologies if there is no meaning behind them. I am not going to expose myself to drama when I could choose to walk away.

You can call me a bitch for finally putting myself first. You can accuse me of overreacting. You can act like I am betraying some code of loyalty by walking away.

You can tell me I should have more faith in people — but I have spent my entire life trusting others. Assuming they are good deep down. And it has gotten me nowhere.

Second chances lead to a repeat in history. Blind trust leads to heartbreak.

I have been nice to people who have treated me like shit. I have given the benefit of the doubt to people who have proven they cannot be relied upon. I have let people remain inside of my world because I loved them, because my heart and my mind couldn’t agree on whether they were worth my time.

in my whole life. i like and care of few people, but i only ever really loved 2 of them. dragon and moon. and both lead me to the worst heartbreaking point because i give them to much, i settle for less and let my heart control all my judgment and makes me see what i want to see, not reality. today, this day, i make amends! WILL NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN!

Now, I am going to stop listening to my heart because it has screwed me over one too many times. I am going to listen to my gut. I am going to listen to my common sense.

If you give me your kindness and respect, I will still be the nice girl around you. But if you cross me, I am not going to play nice anymore. I am not going to sit in silence while you talk down to me. I am going to fight back. I am going to put you in your place.

Worst of all, I am going to walk away. You will never see my face again. You will never make an apology strong enough to bring me back.

This is new and improved me.. and after years of years of my life. i will not write about how sad i am, but how strong i could be.

Someone You Loved Song by Lewis Capaldi

I'm going under and this time I fear there's no one to save me
This all or nothing really got a way of driving me crazy
I need somebody to heal

Somebody to know
Somebody to have
Somebody to hold
It's easy to say
But it's never the same
I guess I kinda liked the way you numbed all the pain

Now the day bleeds
Into nightfall
And you're not here
To get me through it all
I let my guard down
And then you pulled the rug
I was getting kinda used to being someone you loved

I'm going under and this time I fear there's no one to turn to
This all or nothing way of loving got me sleeping without you
Now, I need somebody to know
Somebody to heal
Somebody to have
Just to know how it feels
It's easy to say but it's never the same
I guess I kinda liked the way you helped me escape

Now the day bleeds
Into nightfall
And you're not here
To get me through it all
I let my guard down
And then you pulled the rug
I was getting kinda used to being someone you loved

And I tend to close my eyes when it hurts sometimes
I fall into your arms
I'll be safe in your sound 'til I come back around

For now the day bleeds
Into nightfall
And you're not here
To get me through it all
I let my guard down
And then you pulled the rug
I was getting kinda used to being someone you loved

But now the day bleeds
Into nightfall
And you're not here
To get me through it all
I let my guard down
And then you pulled the rug
I was getting kinda used to being someone you loved

I let my guard down
And then you pulled the rug
I was getting kinda used to being someone you loved

4 in the morning.

We were both immature when we first met.

You were too empty and I was too broken.

We were blindly compromised the real us to keep each other impress.

The foundation was based on lies and when the truth came out we were shocked. The situation wasn't hard, We both did. 

Instead of accepting and trying to fix ourselves, We try to fix the other to come back as we expected from the start. 

All the expectations and hope was Silent killer.

The surprise feeling of what we expect to be and the reality that we can't tell the difference  between. We forgot to what's most important stuff. To literally have fun. The love is fun, We both fun. 

Looking back it's wasn't all bad. It wasn't all misery 

We were both to focus on each other’s flaws and forgot to cherish the shines, we don’t remember what makes both of us fall in love at the first place.

The good thing become routine. And we were stop trying. 

That is why it was so easy for other to scoop in because we don't see any value on each other anymore. And maybe all the love is not gone, We were just forgot.
Maybe we could try to Remember...

So when you are ready, come and find me. 

I will be ready too.

I am learning about my self now. so by that time I will be whole. 

and you are you. and I wouldn't want to changes that.

Let's meet again for the first time. no promises. 

Only this time, we knew each other's soul and kindness, and we can start from that.

Finally, I am in love with MY SELF

I am happy on my own. I now have the kind of happiness that can’t be lost with heartbreak. I have the kind of happiness that doesn’t disappear in the blink of an eye when someone lets me down or gives up on me. I have my heart to be completely full even when it is not intertwined with another heart.

i found it. i learned

the lesson is painful but necessary.

I can finally say I don’t depend on anyone else to bring me life, or to ignite the spark within me. I  see the world in beautiful colors, sparkling and lit up, even when I am all alone. I have the courage to see the world with rose-colored glasses, even when no one is in love with me, even when no one sees me as their brightest star in the sky. Because I am still an iridescent star. I still have my whole world to be happy about. To shine for. I SEE ME.

After Rejection and Rejection. I no longer Reject my self.

Two Lesson is Enough to help me find the balance between two.

I was careless and traumatize, i was so done with a narcissistic relationship, so when i start a new one and think i dont have to fight for love because i got him, he wasn't going anywhere. so i put no effort, and i was wrong.

and i found someone who kind, and healing, this time i approach love differently, i put the relationship as the most important aspect of my life. i dont want to lose no more, i quit the fulltime job, i am focus to make this one work. i forgot to give the air.  and again i am wrong.

Thinking back, i am causing my self too much suffering from losing, too much suffering from finding someone and something who can fulfill me.

when you find fulfillment from a person, it was vague, it was temporary. you can replace them, and they can easily replace YOU with Someone New, someone Fun. people stop fighting.

when you find fulfillment within yourself, you will not need another person to make you feel whole. you dont need them, you WANT them. and that is different. 

My alter who always overthinking, understand that now, and now its time to step back and knowing my own worth.

and when i found my true worth, i found my true self again.

I go having fun and reconnect with old friends, I dive my self into creative and even come back to my old job without overwork my self.

i found my balance.

my next relationship won't be the relationship i need, but i WANT. 

the kind of relationship that i dont have to work 100 percent because i know that the other person will work another percentage with me in their own way. not in my way.

I find closure with my old self and my past.

i realize it was so hard to love my self because i never really forgive my self and the past. 

i forgive all of them who hurt me. Most importantly, i Forgive me

i used to blame and surrender to my GAD and Anxiety and making excuses for me. i dont say that i have to be strong 100 percent, sometimes it is okay to not be okay. but lately, i am become lazy to try. put everything that goes wrong into a box and blamed my depression. 

I can't tell the difference between Grief and Self Pityness 

from now on, my skies might not always blue, and my Sun will not always shine, but i won't be a pitty, when i am sad i will grief but not making excuses and try to fix something that is not broken just to kept my head busy.

And when I lose someone I love, I don’t want my world to fall apart. I don’t want my everything to come crashing down on me as if they were all I had, as if they were all I lived for. I want to be sad, I want to feel things, but I want to know that I will be okay. I want to know that I will not reside in darkness or loneliness. I want to ensure that I will not forget who I am.

Don’t get me wrong. I want to be in love again one day. But not at the sacrifice of my own happiness. You see, I want to be love. I want to be full of so much love that I know, deep down, that I will always bounce back. That I won’t sink deep down into the darkness if I get rejected. That I won’t feel empty and broken if someone walks away. That I won’t intertwine who I am with how someone else feels about me. I want my soul to be so beautifully on fire on its own, that being with someone else would only bring more color to my flames.

I want to be okay without anyone else holding my heart. I want to cradle my heart in my own two hands so that no one else has the power to drop it.

If I find someone beautiful to let into my world, I will allow them to help me hold my heart. I will let them help me to lift it higher. I will let them fall head over heels in love with my heart. But I won’t give them permission to drop it. I won’t give them the power to break me or to bring me down. I won’t give them permission to diminish all of the love I still have to give.

and maybe together, i will help them lift their heart too.

i won't asked to own it, i will guard it.

Because deep down I know that I am complete. I am happy. I am good, all on my own. And I forever want to have this very happiness that shines from inside of me. I forever want to radiate the kind of happiness that can’t be destroyed by heartbreak or by heartache.

I never want to feel like I’m not enough simply because I’m not right for someone else. Because I know that I’m enough…I know that I’m enough for me. I want to be happy on my own. I want to be okay on my own. I want to be able to dance to my favorite song all on my own.

So if you choose to dance with me, or if you choose to love me, I can promise you that I will love you right back. I will share my heart with you. I will share my happiness. I will share myself. I will just have to remember that you will be adding to all of the love I already have inside of me, rather than replacing it. You may lift me up, but only I will have a say in if I fall.

Together, we can ignite a fire. Together we can be enchanting. We can lift each other up. We can support each other every single day. We can complete each other’s sentences. We can fall head over heels for each other.

But I will know, deep down, that I can still be a beautiful, burning flame, all on my own. I will know deep down that I can be happy, all by myself. I will know, deep down, that I am okay, even if I don’t have you.