And This Time, I’m Going For Good

When I think about you, when I think about us, I want to think about all the good things. I want to remember when I met you when I smiled when I was so sure that you and I were going to last.

Because with you, at the very least, I knew I would come back to you no matter what. 

It took me a little while to understand one very important thing. at this time You are never going to be enough for me, and I will always be too much for you right now. You have the best intentions, you have such a good heart but for whatever reason, you always fell short. 

And you never really came through for me in the ways I wanted you to.

So, I’m telling you now, this is goodbye. And I don’t know what else to say besides that. 

I could spend time trying to make sure, to tell you that I would bounce back to you whenever you ready. But the truth is, as much as saying goodbye hurts, it hurts more holding on.

I know what this means. It means that there’s no going back. There’s no more wishing that I’ll see you soon, and most importantly, there are no more hellos. there's no more wondering what are you up to right now.

I can’t change what already happened and I’ll never be anything but grateful for every moment we had together.

But I have to say goodbye and mean it this time because there’s nothing I want more than to stay.

And that’s the most dangerous, the biggest reason why I can’t this time. because I am holding on to nothing but dark corner and empty hopes.

I don’t think I’ll ever stop wishing that things would change, but I can stop wishing that you would.

No matter what happens next, I know that I can say that I did everything I could before I finally walked away..

When You Can’t Seem To Stop Reliving The Past

“In your life, you meet people. Some you never think about again. Some, you wonder what happened to them. There are some that you wonder if they ever think about you. And then there are some you wish you never had to think about again. But you do.” – C.S. Lewis

You remember everything. It is both a blessing and a curse. It is both your gift and your kryptonite.

You stare up at the ceiling in the darkness and surrender to your insomnia while your life flashes before your eyes. Every mistake replayed. Every regret amplified. Every memory sharp.

You pause for a moment to think about what you have left behind.

You remember the places you visited. You remember the lush green park and vibrant skylines. You remember walking down winding alleys in a new city listening to the sound of your footsteps while the city slept.

You remember witnessing such mesmerizing beauty that it took your breath away. His smiles.

You remember meeting strangers who you felt as though you had known a lifetime. You remember the instant connections you made. You remember the agony of saying goodbye when it was time to leave.

You remember receiving such warmth and friendliness that it never felt like you were away from home.

Some connections end when you board airplanes, while others end when you get off them.

Maybe avoid airplanes for a while.

Some dreams you have when you are asleep, while others you have with your eyes wide open.

Some dreams end when you wake up, while others end when you accept reality.

Maybe keep dreaming and one day you might catch one.

Most of all, you remember leaving behind a bit of yourself in all the places you visited and within all the people you have met.

Have you ever had that bittersweet feeling when you are living a moment that you know is only destined to become a memory?

Perhaps this is why you are so eager to preserve your memories. You store them in a dusty corner of your mind and replay them like vinyl on a gramophone when you reminisce about a moment.

You relive that moment through a memory of a dream. 

Just So You Know, I Forgive You

Perhaps you didn’t know better, or maybe you did and did not care.

Perhaps it was true viciousness, or, as people told me after the fact, “Boys being Boys”. It didn’t seem that way, but who knows what was going on in your life? Maybe this is what you thought it was about. Maybe, given enough time, that was what I would have thought too. Perhaps you were hurting and you ended up don't realize you'll hurt me.

But we crossed paths. In the end, only one of us could walk away with the head held high.

I never quite knew such loneliness before.

It’s not just the things you would say to me, but the fact that everyone else seemed to agree. Everyone, including the adults, rushed to tell me: I was wrong to have my feelings hurt, that I should not be taking you seriously. Everyone seemed to defend what you were doing. and deep down I get it. you never meant to stay anyway.

But It went against everything I knew. What happened to kindness, what happened to empathy? It seemed as though it didn’t matter at all. What mattered was how much you have liked yourself, and how many people you had on your side.

That mindfuck is not your fault, of course. That’s not what I’m forgiving you for.

I’m forgiving you for being cruel.

I’m forgiving you for taking out on me whatever it was that was torturing you at the time. your past hurt. or whatever it was.

I'm forgiving you for treating me as a punched bag, a spare, something that will fill your free time, at least till something better or new comes up.

I'm forgiving you for walked away before giving me fighting chance, just assumed I will be as demanding as your previous.

Mind, you probably don’t care one way or another. But then again, I’m not forgiving you for your sake. I’m doing it for mine.

I feel you.. maybe that was the reason I was so attracted to you.

I feel your pain somehow, and never once I thought someone that knew the pain of loss will cause it to another human being.

but, I forgive you anyway.

It’s taken me Months – and a trip to that bad place – to realize what you did had nothing to do with me. It was personal, but only in the most superficial of ways. The cruelty, the viciousness, that was all for you. I gave you an opening, and you went for the jugular.

Perhaps it was all you knew to do.

Perhaps you just wanted to do it.

It’s okay. I’m letting go of that now.

I’m letting go of looking for you in the face of every person who is cruel, selfish, or evil. I’m letting go of trying to appease you, of being your friend. I’m forgiving you for being you so that I can stand up and walk, instead of crawl, and help others walk too.

I forgive you.

Perhaps, in time, you will be able to forgive yourself, too. 

Relapse...

Memories are delusory and nostalgia is a deception attempting to convince you that nothing you come across will be as special as everything you’ve left behind.

I wish memory was like a scent I could bottle. I would uncap the bottle and relive a moment exactly as it happened whenever melancholy overcame me and my heartache swallowed me whole.

It would not play tricks on my mind then. It would remain fragrant forever. It would never fade away.

It would do us justice.

I’ve heard how painful it is to mourn the loss of someone who is still alive. I won’t mourn you because I won’t allow you to be associated with pain like others before you. I’ll choose to remember you instead.

I’ll keep you alive in my memory because loving is so short and forgetting so long.

I will instinctively reach out my arm while sleeping to wrap it around you only to realize that I’m clutching at thin air. My heart will sink beneath waves of grief. My nightmares will transform from me falling off a cliff to us occupying the same event and yet avoiding each other. My feelings will wake me up in the middle of the night.

I will wake up in the morning and my mind will conjure up a lovely image of you before I’m even fully aware of my surroundings. I will find peace in this lucid image for a brief moment.

I will remember you in all your stunning big blue eyes. I couldn’t take my eyes off.

I will listen to a passionate song and the lyrics will remind me of you. All the love songs I grew up listening to and desiring to dedicate to someone will now be about you.

 I know I was in love with you because you were the first person that I wanted to tell everything good and bad as it happened in my life..

I will be unable to sleep at night because our memories will keep replaying in my mind like a broken record stuck in a loop. Each corner of your pretty face will be illuminated while I recall the nuances of your reactions as you responded to my words.

Your smile will be lighting up my world. Your eyes will be telling a story only I could read. 

I wasn’t thrilled about my existence before I met you but at least I wasn’t aware of the gaping hole in my soul made real by the void you have left in your wake.

you have caused an inferno to be unleashed which is threatening to burn my entire existence to the ground and you’re not here to fan the flames.

The last thought on my mind before sleep will be how I regret meeting you sometimes not because you’ve hurt me or because you’ve been a bad influence on me but because it was easier to live my life knowing someone like you didn’t exist.

Then I will wake up in the morning and do it all over again. 

I hope you happy

It hurts how life can pull us in opposite directions from the ones we love most. Thankfully, we had social media to help us keep in touch. Though I must admit, thinking back on how close we once were, it hurts to only have a one-dimensional view of your beautiful life, through screens and words. It’s even more difficult to keep up with you now, with the way your activity on social media is almost nonexistent these days. or maybe you just put me on the block so I can't see what happens in your life, and I get it. it is not my business and I am glad that you did that. I am glad that you don't feed my emotion, and it makes me easy to move on. away. at the point now that I am completely stopped checking what is happening in your life.

but deep down in my heart, I still do have hope for you, not to coming back but to be happy. I hope you’re happy. I hope you’re just so enthused with your life.

I hope you get whatever you dream for, I hope your works well, and of course, I always hope that you will always win. I hope this world hasn’t gotten the best of you. I hope you don’t have to fight with yourself to get out of bed in the mornings, especially when you used to be the main motivation for me to get out of my own.

I hope you’re happy. I hope you carved everything you have ever wanted out of this life. I hope you have surrounded yourself with people who are worthy of your presence. Because clearly, I never was.

I hope you finally got it right

Maybe.. He Was Never Part Of The Plan, He Was Just Part Of The Process

He was the three dots at the end of the sentence. The in-between. He was like the human organ, appendix — his purpose was a big question.

He came into her life when she was at her lowest. She was going through changes in her life, he’s been through it. She was still picking up the pieces after a difficult breakup, while he, he has mastered the art of moving on and he had great advice.

He came at the right time, just when she needed someone the most. Someone who’d listen. And he was just that. He was accommodating, generous of his time. that she now happen to understand that was just a spare time because he was bored. 

It did not take long for her to realize he was changing her life. She started feeling better most days. She looked forward to the conversations. Because, without him knowing, he was making her feel things she’s never felt before. 

He kind of gave her a glimpse of what it was like when someone actually goes out of their way to make sure you’re okay. When someone finds time for you even when they’re busy working. When they worry about you when they know you’re not doing well. He made her see how she wanted to be treated for a change.

But at the same time, he gave her hope. Hope that she would be able to feel all the things she never thought she’d ever feel again. Hope that she would find someone who would give her what she wanted all along. And that hope, the hope that lifted her spirits high, started scaring her away.

Yes, there were others before him but she was just not there yet. She just couldn’t see the possibility of her with any of the others. Until him. He made her feel he could be the one. And though she wanted to admit it or not, she was falling in love with him — fast.

And that amount of love scares him. so he decided to move forward without her, saving his life from the rocking boat. but she's still on that boat. she's drowning, and from the shore, instead, to help her, he just shouts "LEARN TO SWIM".

For a while there she questioned his role in her life. Why did he have to crush her heart while it was still recovering from the last heartbreak just by walking into her life? Why did he have to lift her up only to drag her down? Why did he have to add to the sadness she already felt prior to him entering her world? And so as much as she valued his friendship, she had to walk away. She had to give that up to allow herself to heal from the double whammy.

And that, no matter the pain, was the best thing to do, and they both knew that. she respected his decision. Because although he had been on his own longer than she was, he wasn’t ready for love just yet. Maybe he just did not want to break her heart.

maybe He was there to make her feel better. To help her realize certain things. To listen, to empathize, to offer kindness. He was there to be a friend when she needed one.

And so then she knew, maybe he was never meant to fall in love with her. maybe not now... maybe not this time... maybe It was never going to work out between the two of them this time because right now he was never a part of the plan. He was just part of the process. 

I Was Wrong About You And I Hate That.

All I could think about was how dark everything seemed, how deep everything seemed to cut, how sad the world really was. 

My sorrow broke through my fake smile and my sadness shun bright at night. I exposed my weaknesses to everything I had ever put up a strong front for.

You ruined me.

You were nothing more than pieces of my broken heart. I became nauseous whenever I smelt your cologne on my bed sheets after you had moved out.

I loved you to the point of no return. I loved you excessively and I was too blind to notice you just take me as your temporary person.. That’s your loss, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t sting. 

It’s disgusting to think that the one person I thought would never hurt me did the most damage, but that’s the twisted part of love no one ever talks about. It’s not something someone can teach you. It’s something that you have to experience to understand.

You were my world and I put you on a pedestal thinking you deserved it and I was wrong and I hate that. I wanted you to be everything my life lacked and you ended up being the one thing I wish I could take back. 

Who gave you permission to write about him ..

Dear heart,

I hate being a poet. Who gave you permission to want him like that? Who gave you permission to wish for someone you weren’t supposed to wish for because you already fucking knew it wouldn’t work out?

Who gave you permission to love someone who could probably never understand the intensity, the raging ocean, the fucking hurricane of your throat when you beat for someone?

When you beat for someone like that. When you beat for him. Him.

Who gave you permission to hope when he said maybe he’ll buy you a drink like we’re in a fucking movie? You already know that happy endings don’t exist in real life. Who gave you permission to want the kind of hard love that yells in the face of a thunderstorm on a Friday night and waits for him to hear you on the other end of the phone line? To hear you through the crash of rain and beer upon hopeless, dirty streets. Who gave you permission to wait for him to hear the wanting in your stupid, crying voice, to hear the way you break into ugly, broken sobs in the shower and pretend the tears running down your face are just shower water?

Who gave you permission to write about him when he doesn’t deserve your poetry?

He doesn’t deserve your poetry, doesn’t deserve you. Who the fuck gave you permission to love him when he doesn’t even love you back? 

When you still don’t know if he loves you back, but you’re pretty damn sure that he doesn’t. You’re acting like a broken record even though I know you have rooms and rooms of other songs locked away.

So, who gave you permission to stay stuck on him?

Sincerely,

A Poet Who Cannot Swallow the Blue Immensity of Love Any Longer 

Sometimes it is necessary to be ALONE. and that is not bad.

Sometimes it’s okay if you don’t have all the answers and you want to look for them alone. It’s okay if you don’t want anyone else to disturb your voice. It’s okay if you want to take a different road and get lost by yourself instead of asking for directions to a place you don’t really want to go to. Sometimes you just have to be by yourself when people drain you more than inspire you. When they judge you more than understand you. When they make you feel even more alone.

Sometimes it’s okay if you’ve been alone for a long time and you still want to be alone because you were never the kind of person who looks for quantity over quality or the kind of person who needs just anyone around. You’ve always looked for depth, honesty, compassion and strength. You’ve always looked for people who don’t come around very often. You’ve always been drawn to people who aren’t everyone’s cup of tea. You’ve always been moved by people you only meet once in a lifetime and that’s why you keep finding yourself alone because these are not the people who are going to make the road easier for you because they’re also on a journey to find themselves and on a mission to change the world.

Sometimes it’s okay to face your own fears and learn everything about yourself including the hard things, the things you’re not proud of, the unflattering truths that you hide from everyone. Sometimes you need to face and forgive yourself. You need to look in the mirror and say even if you can’t get one single thing right, I’ll still love you and accept you because I’m stuck with you forever.

Sometimes you just have to break your own heart when you realize that you’ve had enough and you’ve cared more and loved unconditionally and gave your heart to people who didn’t deserve and now it’s time to find yourself again. Now it’s time to take the pieces of yourself back, polish them and start over. Now it’s time to remember who you were before you invested every little part of you in someone else and lost your worth. 

Sometimes it’s just okay to let yourself be who you really want to be and in order to do that you need to step away from everyone who is asking you to be someone you’re not and everyone who keeps telling you what to say or what to do and everyone who doesn’t know what you’re going through but gives you unsolicited advice.

Sometimes you need to be alone so you can find God, hear him, ask him for direction, ask him for guidance or closure, ask him forgiveness and ask him for love. Sometimes you need to be alone with the universe so you can learn how to be your own universe when people fail to give meaning to your life because as long as you keep searching for meaning in the universe and as long as you keep searching for answers within yourself, you will surely find them

I am Healing...

No, I dont write this in hoping that you will be back.

I have reach my realization that you are not coming back. Not now, not latter, not ever. Even somewhere inside my mind i wish you would. I wish there is a 0.1 to 0.9999999999... % that you would coming back. But even the number is small.. its infinity. 

That is why i keep a small space on the corner on my heart for you. I know it probably useless. I know that space will be empty forever. Rusted and fill with dust. Broken and dark...

I loved once before And i sure do will love again somehow in the future.. But i can tell that wouldn’t be the same as you.

You will always be that something that my Soul love the most.

For the first time in my life i recognizes the soul love. Not the heart, not the mind... It’s the soul...

And i know this is painful, and i know that i am torture my self by keep thinking about you. Because no matter how hard i tried, the pain that keep you inside my head won’t go. And I don’t blame you for that. I blame my self. Because no matter what i do about it.. it won’t just go away

I know that you asked me to stop and I do wish the feeling left when the person does... But i never wish that i never met you. Because you still the most beautiful things i have ever seen.

And this is the longest broken heart i have

And maybe this will never heal.

And in might have to deal with it for the longest time of my life

And i need to be okay with that.